Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.
Extracts from the manual:
Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash
The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.