Did you fart at evensong? – Classic Dave Allen sketch H/T @althefolker

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Church of England launches heatwave advice

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Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.

Extracts from the manual:

  • Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
  • Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
  • Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
  • Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
  • Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash

The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.