Church drops controversial EBACH plans

General Synod’s plans to introduce new EBACH qualifications for church musicians have been dropped, it was announced today. The proposed qualifications would have seen Associated Board organ exams and Royal College of Organist qualifications replaced by a new qualification, the brainchild of Michael Pob, the Church of England’s Secretary of State for Worship.

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Pob’s vision for the EBACH failed to win the hearts and minds of church musicians

Pob’s plans for the new qualification would have meant that all church musicians, from Cathedral organists, to choirmasters and worship group musicians, would have to sit the EBACH examination after a 2 year course prior to being allowed to be involved in music making in Church of England services. “Standards are way behind those of other countries,” explained Pob, “and by narrowing the curriculum and focussing on the core skills of improvising in the style of J.S. Bach, accompanying hymns, reading figured bass to accompany Purcell anthems and composing fugues, my vision is of a return to a golden age of church music, probably the 1950s, or the 1740s.”

Worship groups had warned¬†Pob that the proposed qualification was too narrow and did not reflect the range of musical idioms being used in Church of England services. “The EBACH did not meet the needs of most parishes,” explained Reverend Rock Sunderland, whose worship band Bon Jehovi employs a range of musical expressions lying somewhat outside the Baroque tradition, “and the idea of asking all members of worship groups to learn how to improvise double, inverted fugues is very old hat. Bass guitarists, you might be in with a chance of explaining that to, but for most worship group members, frankly, it’s enough of a challenge to get all of them to keep to the beat. Has Pob ever even met a drummer?”

HS2 liturgy launched

The Church of England has today announced details of its much-anticipated High Speed 2 liturgy which will reduce the arrival time of Eucharist-goers at their Sunday dinner table by around 20 minutes.

HS2 - High Speed LiturgyFollowing the launch of the HS1 project last year (the leaner, pared down Eucharistic Prayers for Children), HS2 will further speed up all aspects of liturgy, thus enabling multi-benefice Incumbents to fit in at least one additional service each Sunday and worship groups to repeat choruses an additional 28% without ruining Sunday lunch.

Rural areas affected by the impact of the new liturgies have, however, expressed disquiet. “This HS2 development will blight some of the most beautiful countryside in England,” explained avid birdwatcher and wildlife campaigner, Bill Brooke-Garden, “there will be a constant buzz of clergy whizzing along country lanes in their barely-roadworthy old bangers.”

A spokesperson for the Church of England’s liturgical commission said, “Clearly we took these concerns of countryside campaigners and Tory MPs whose constituencies are affected into consideration but we decided to press ahead. This is a major infrastructure project in the world of liturgy which will mean that clergy productivity and user experience will be greatly improved by 2025. Future congregations can look forward to seeing clergy who truly will spend Sundays on their knees. Well, they will be by 8pm after nine services…”