Tag Archives: women bishops

Panic tidying by Bishops takes internet down

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The internet was down for several hours earlier today following scenes of panic at Church House. Yesterday’s announcement that eight senior female members of the clergy are to attend and participate in House of Bishops meetings led to a frenzy of tidying at the Bishops’ meeting room at Church House in London.

A spokesman explained, “The morning after the meeting, the Bishops realised that their room had degenerated somewhat and was in no fit state for women to see. A panicked half hour of tidying ensued during which they got all the pizza boxes from behind the sofa, rounded up the crisp packets, nipped out to Londis for some black plastic sacks, untangled all the phone and iPad chargers and collected the empties and took them to the recycling bins near Victoria. It was all going fine until Nick Baines got the Dyson out.”

Image

The internet was hidden in Church House in the early 1990s.

In order to plug the vacuum cleaner in, the Blogging Bishop of Bradford unplugged what he took to be a dehumidifier but which turned out to be the entire internet. Sir Tim Berners-Lee had placed this in the House of Bishops meeting room without telling anyone more than 20 years previously. “It was an ideal place.” explained the father of the world wide web, “It’s often said that you can’t turn the entire internet off, but that’s just what we tell people. Actually, the whole thing fits in one  plastic box about the size of a kitchen bin. Church House, and the House of Bishops room in particular, seemed the obvious place to hide it. I mean, who would ever suspect the House of Bishops as the place to keep a high-speed, efficient means of communication?”

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy, But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

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Ok, so this isn’t Anglican but an ‘interesting’ take on women’s ordination from some Roman Catholics. I found it more cringy than helpful, I think, but it’s growing on me! For those of you not ‘down with the kids’ it’s a spoof take on the original song by Carly Rae Jepsen – Call me Maybe.

 

All for a good cause (in our opinion): www.womensordination.org

The lyrics are as follows:

“Ordain a Lady”

I had a dream as a girl
Like Therese of Lisieux
I need to give this whirl
So I can lead the way

Woman priest is my call
Women preaching for all
Don’t listen to St. Paul
‘Cuz I can lead the way

My ministry is growing
Excommunication? I’m still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing
Where you think the Church is going?

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
Justice doesn’t look right, with only male priests,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
Closed discussion on that, and now he’s in my way
I pray, sing, and feel
At first communion it’s real
I but I refuse to kneel,
To Patriarchy’s way

My ministry is growing
Excommunication? I’m still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing
Where you think the Church going?

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
Justice doesn’t look right, with only male priests,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

With women priests in my life, I was so glad
I missed them so bad, I missed them so, so bad
With women priests in my life, I was so glad
We want our Church back, we want it all, all back

Justice doesn’t look right with only male priests
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

With women priests in my life, I was so glad
I missed them so bad, I missed them so, so bad
With women priests in my life, I was so glad
We want our Church back, we want it all, all back

ordain a lady

Professor Brian Cox rides to the Rescue of Women Bishops

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collider

Cox’s Large Hadron Cloister may cause a black hole into which the Church of England may disappear without trace.

An unlikely solution to the stand0ff over women bishops emerged yesterday following the unexpected intervention of Professor Brian Cox.

The particle physicist, despite being an ardent atheist, agreed to come to the Church of England’s aid for the sake of science. Following his work at CERN, Cox has now developed  a Large Hadron Cloister at a secret Cathedral location in the UK (pictured). Whereas CERN’s celebrated Large Hadron Collider was devised to explore miniscule particles of energy such as the Higgs Boson and Shatner’s Bassoon, Cox’s new apparatus is designed to solve the General Synod’s knotty problem of female episcopal oversight by creating Schrödinger’s Bishop.

“It’s amazing nobody has thought of this before,” explained Professor Cox, “but by devising an experiment in which a female priest is placed with a mitre, an Archbishop and a crozier in a sealed box then bombarding her with subatomic particles, using the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, we could create a female priest who is, simultaneously, a bishop and not a bishop. Just as Schrödinger’s cat was both dead and alive until the box was opened, the priest is both a bishop and not a bishop until the box is opened.”

However, opponents of women bishops and human rights organisations have rejected Cox’s plan. The former claimed that even a Schrödinger’s bishop would be unacceptable to them as the Archbishop concerned would be tainted by his possible consecration of a woman. The latter were more concerned by the lack of airholes in the box.

Traditionalists demand ‘proper provision’. Of their own monarch.

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two monarchs

Artist’s impression of what alternative monarchial oversight might look like in practice.

David Cameron looks set for an unexpected House of Commons battle shortly when he brings forward legislation to end male primogeniture in the monarchy. This new law would end the practice of men taking precedence over women when it comes to who succeeds to the throne, and would ensure that the firstborn child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would have an equal claim to the throne whether they are a girl or a boy.

Despite the proposed legislation winning overwhelming worldwide support from every Commonwealth nation, traditionalists in England have demanded that those who oppose this move be provided with an alternative monarchy using the existing rules of succession. “It is not we who are changing,” explained a clearly disgruntled member of Preform (a group which represents constitutional traditionalists within the English establishment) “it is the whole nation which is suddenly seeking to put itself out of kilter with us and the traditions of England. Where’s the talk of respect and equality when it comes to accommodating us and our deeply-held beliefs, eh?”.

Traditionalists claim that the proposed measure does not make proper provision for their monarchical oversight, and so the House of Commons must go back to the drawing board and create a system which meets their needs. They would not be drawn on exactly what these needs might be, nor on what form acceptable legislation might take. As one member of Preform put it,  “It’s not for us to tell you what we might think is reasonable. We’ll just keep telling you it’s not.”

With thanks to Rev Graeme Fancourt – @graemefancourt – for letting me steal the premise of this posting from his Tweet and expand it rhapsodically into far more than 140 characters. Obviously, if anyone doesn’t like this post, it’s my fault, not his!