The new Pontiff is expected to take the name Pope Henry I, just to rub it in.
There were gasps of surprise around the world as the Conclave inadvertently elected Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Supreme Governor of the Church of England as Pope.
It emerged overnight that Argentinian Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio had left a copy of the Falklands referendum ballot papers near the Sistine Chapel office photocopier. A Vatican intern mistakenly copied and distributed these among the Cardinals, assuming them to be Papal ballot slips. Cardinals noticed the slips looked rather different to usual but assumed that this was merely an innovation of Pope Benedict. They then voted overwhelmingly in favour of “political status as an Overseas Territory of the United Kingdom”. As the vote of 99.8% in favour was well over the two thirds majority required for papal election, this triggered immediate white smoke over the Vatican and the Roman Catholic Church announcing the election of the Supreme Governor of the Church of England – Queen Elizabeth II – as Pope.
A clearly distressed Emeritus Pope (who wished to remain anonymous) said, “This is not what I had in mind at all. However, God moves in mysterious ways.”
Sources close to the Vatican have hinted at the surprise anointing of former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams as the new Pope when Benedict XVI steps down at the end of the month. Following the shock announcement of Pope Benedict’s retirement, the first occasion a Pope has resigned in over 600 years, it was clear to outsiders that something of great significance was afoot in the See of Rome.
The key issue turns out to be one of ecumenism and practical interdenominational politics rather than theology. The appointment of Williams as Pope is seen by the Vatican as a way to build bridges towards greater Church unity, but not only with the Anglican Communion as might be assumed. As one Cardinal put it, “There is a great drive towards greater unity with the Orthodox Church, but the greatest stumbling block to progress has been that of facial hair. Basically, all the Orthodox and Coptic Metropolitans and Popes have lush beards and have teased our Popes for centuries that our Roman balls haven’t dropped yet and we can’t grow a decent beard between the lot of us. We’re sick of it, frankly, and since none of our Cardinals have decent beards, appointing known beardy Rowan Williams to exercise the Petrine ministry will get ecumenical dialogue on a more grown-up footing. And it will confuse the Ordinariate no end which amuses many of us here, too.”
Another known Anglican beardy, the blogger Archbishop Cranmer was unavailable for comment as he was turning too fast in his grave to type.