The European Court of Human Rights today ruled that the Right Reverend Stephen Cottrell, Bishop of Chelmsford, is legally allowed to bless vehicles in his workplace. The ruling came after an action by the British Humanists’ Association on behalf of an un-named octogenarian, referred to in court only as Monarch L, whose car refused to start following a service at a Norfolk church at the weekend.
A spokesperson for the BHA explained that they had brought the action “to defend the elderly lady concerned against intrusive and aggressive religious interference in her workplace”. The court, however, found that, since the incident took place at a place of worship of which the monarch concerned was Supreme Governor, it was quite reasonable for the plaintiff to have blessed the vehicle.
“Clergy are serial offenders,” said Richard Bonkers of the BHA, “always blessing things which do not want to be blessed. Besides, it was probably not the blessing itself which made the difference, but more than 60 years of the general population singing ‘God save the Queen’ that actually started the car. That’s science, that is. Hold on, is that right…?”
Meanwhile, the AA have hired a headhunter company to secure the services of the Bishop of Chelmsford should he wish to retire.
In a Midnight Special, the Archbishop of Canterbury will regenerate himself into a younger, less hirsute version.
Fans of the Church of England are expected to stay up until Midnight on December 31st to witness the regeneration of Doctor Rowan Williams into the 105th Archbishop of Canterbury.
Eschewing a Christmas Day Special, the C of E opted for a midnight event on the brink of a New Year for the transition between the 104th Prime Lord and his successor. Controversially, the new Prime Lord of the Church of England is not a Doctor and is not expected to have a female Bishop as a travelling companion (at least for his first few series).
It is expected that the Church of England will begin marketing figurines of the new Archbishop early in 2013, together with updated versions of his trademark Sonic Crozier and unique travelling machine the TARDIS (Theological And Reflective Discussions In Synod).
There was widespread outrage today as it was officially announced that God had anointed Saul of Tarsus as Apostle, one of the most senior roles in the Church. There had been much speculation regarding the role of Apostle to the Gentiles, much heralded in Scripture and by Jesus himself.
“We were obviously expecting one of the existing apostles to take up that role,” explained a clearly exasperated disciple, “you know, someone who can relate to ordinary folk, like one of the fishermen for instance. Instead we get this upper-class bloke who went to some posh Pharisee school who’s worked in the lucrative tent-making industry. He’s only been a follower of Jesus two minutes and already God’s sending him on a Gospel-spreading tour of the eastern-Mediterranean, anointed by the Holy Spirit and everything.”.
Earlier in the week, Ladbrokes suspended betting on Apostle to the Gentiles after a flurry of large bets were placed in the Damascus area, backing Saul for the role.
Affirming Laudianism associates itself with the following organisations within the Church of England.
‘Old Wine Skins’ is a new movement in the Church of England which seeks to renew the Church as she used to be for our own age. They believe:
That it is better to patch the old than embrace the new;
That where decline is inevitable it is better to die valiantly than to lose what has been cherished;
That vitality in Church life can co-exist with decadence and hypocrisy.
‘Old Wine Skins’ is affiliated to ‘Regress’, a grouping of Church people who seek to enthusiastically embrace the ways of the past, applying them to new situations.
We also associate ourselves with ‘Radical Regression’, formed by a group of former Oxbridge chaplains, now retired although one still active in Gibraltar and Europe. They have contributed to a book which says that for today’s Christian regression is not old fashioned but radical. With an introduction by the Archbishop of the Southern Cone and an afterward by the Bishop of London.