Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to sue David Cameron

In a shock move, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse today launched a court case against David Cameron’s government claiming they are attempting to privatise their industries and completely undermining the dramatic impact of their plans for the End Times.

My Little 4 Horsemen

The Four Horsemen fear the government is steaing the thunder of their plans for the Apocalypse

A spokesperson for the horsemen (St. John the Divine who wrote their biography in his book Revelation some years ago) explained, “The boys are upset. For millennia they have been a watchword for the end times, as harbingers of the Day of Judgement. Now, each of them has identified ways in which the current UK government is seeking to privatise their unique area of operations.

Pestilence is cross that the government’s surreptitious privatisation of the NHS will make his grand finale of epidemics lose dramatic impact. What will be the point of unleashing an unstoppable and hideous pandemic if the UK has already reverted to 19th century models of access to healthcare?

Famine is aghast that the social security system has been undermined to the extent that food banks are having to be set up to feed those whose employers do not pay a living wage, or who are unemployed. Where’s the fun in unleashing plagues of locusts if the government is already starving the poor and vulnerable?

Death is horrified by the machinations of the Department of Work and Pensions which are systematically euthanising the disabled and those with degenerative, chronic, or terminal illnesses. He claims this takes all the fun and challenge out of his job. And War was already upset that Mr Cameron was spending so much time openly marketing the UK arms industry while Mr Hague seeks to help get even more arms into unstable regions of the Middle East – these things have always happened with governments but they are supposed to be a guilty secret, not something to brag about. It is making a mockery of the whole Harbinger of the Apocalypse brand when they do it so brazenly!”

“These bozos are undoing the whole drama of Armageddon.” said Pestilence, “We’d been enjoying watching humankind attempt to alleviate war, famine, disease, conquest and death, and especially in the UK where a lot of them had been having a good crack at it since 1945 – that kind of thing makes an ideal dramatic canvas for the overwhelmingly destructive devastation of the Apocalypse. But now… the whole show will lose impact. These people have no soul.”

War, however, remained the most philosophical of the group, “Thankfully,” he said, “the UK is just one small part of the globe. We have plenty of other projects on the go in our various areas of operations elsewhere. It’s just that we had high hopes that the home of Shakespeare, Chaucer and Pratchett would have a greater sense of theatre about the End of Days than this. We’re not so much angry as… disappointed in them.”

*****

Footnote:

For information and background on the policies which are so upsetting the Four Horsemen, you might like to check out the following links (usual disclaimer about Anglicanmemes not being responsible for the content of external sites obviously applies):

The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks about Foodbanks and the government’s derogatory language about people living in poverty.

Church Action of Poverty – information about many poverty-related issues in the UK

War on Welfare campaign – which calls for a Cumulative Impact Assessment of Welfare Reform, and a New Deal for sick & disabled people based on their needs, abilities and ambitions

NHS Support Federation –  an independent pressure group that campaigns to protect and improve the NHS, true to its founding principles, a voluntary organisation, funded by supporters from the health professions and the general public.

Save the NHS petition – via 38Degrees

Stop the Arms Fair – campaign against London’s arms trade fair 2013.

Advertisements

Supreme Governor of Church of England declares ‘War on Terror’

George III stands up to terrorists

George III stands up to terrorist insurgents

On this day in history, the Supreme Governor of the Church of England, George III, declared the first War on Terror as insurgents attacked British peace-keeping forces in the American colonies following a declaration of treason by fifty six local warlords on July 4th 1776. As bombings, assassinations and civil disobedience escalated, Defender of the Faith King George resisted calls for the British government to withdraw its forces, saying their mission of restoring peace, a well-ordered society and proper use of the English language to the British territories of North America was not yet complete.

Spokesmen for the thirteen rebel tribes claimed that their campaign of terror marked the beginning of an epic ‘war of independence’ which would be celebrated for centuries to come as the dawn of a new democratic age. However, the British army dismissed the claims of these militias, pointing out that the insurgents’ sponsors were the slightly less than democratic Empress Catherine The Great of Russia and Louis XVI of France, and that the colonists were not seeking universal democracy, but merely tax benefits and political power for rich, white males.

King Louis XVI commented, “I am a big fan of zis Independence sing in America. King George… ‘ee needs keepin’ in heez place. I mean, in France we have the amazing ME at ze helm so ze people, zey are perfectly happy, but you haff to laff at ze silly English, letting zair colonies get out of hand simply by not letting zair upper middle classes feel important…” To which King George replied, “Don’t lose your head, Louis.” (which proved somewhat prophetic, as it turned out).

Happy birthday to our US cousins!

Hope you don’t mind a Church of England version of history as it most probably looked from this side of the pond back then…

The test of a good religion…

I just read a post on Rachel Held Evans’ blog about Christians and humour (which is worth a read in its entirety) and saw this GK Chesterton quotation:

GK Chesterton

This summarises something of the thinking behind this site.

Rachel has a few points in her post:

1. Humour works when it’s directed toward yourself

The vast majority of the jokes on this site are directed at ourselves. A good example is the Socially Awkward Christian Penguin.

2. Humour works when it’s directed toward your own community or culture

And our main culture here is the Church of England in it’s context in England. An example is in this Doctor Who article.

3. Humour works when it’s directed toward the powerful

Have a look at this article about Lord Carey.

4. Humour works when it tears down idols

How about this?

 

We hope we regularly make you smile but we also hope that sometimes we can be a prophetic voice in the church through our satire.

 

 

Jeremy Clarkson to lead Lady Thatcher’s privatised funeral

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher will be laid to rest in a televised funeral service expected to be watched by millions around the world. In accordance with her wishes, the entire service and broadcast was put out to competitive tender, creating the UK’s first privatised ceremonial funeral.

ImageVenue

The funeral will take place at St Paul’s Cathedral in London, as expected. However, this was by no means guaranteed and was confirmed only once the Corporation of London, underwritten by the banking industry, fought off very competitive bids from Holy Trinity Brompton and the O2 Arena.

The Funeral Service

Image

UPS won the hearse contract

It was expected that either the Bishop of London or Archbishop of Canterbury would officiate at the service. However, the tendering process enabled “any appropriate person” to undertake this task (as defined by Culture Secretary Maria Miller). The result was that Jeremy Clarkson will lead the nation in mourning using a liturgy based largely on Top Gear’s ‘star in a reasonably priced car’ feature. Lady Thatcher will be borne to the service in a United Parcel Services van with G4S providing the guard of honour. Guests will be provided with service booklets printed by the Daily Mail featuring a trademark scaremongering headline “Cremation of Former World Leaders Linked to Cancer and Falling House Prices”.

Music

Unfortunately for lovers of Anglican choral music, the choir of St Paul’s was unsuccessful in the tendering process and so Gary Barlow will perform a new version of Candle in the Wind (Goodbye Iron Thorn) by Sir Elton John. The service will also feature a solo by Cher who will appear at her own expense in order to convince her fans she is still alive following confusion among her US fans on Twitter upon seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead and reading it as Now that Cher’s dead.

Broadcast Rights

Lady Thatcher was most keen that the BBC should not automatically win the broadcast rights and would have been delighted to learn that the shopping channel QVC won the UK broadcast rights. They intend to run a ticker-tape at the bottom of the screen throughout their live broadcast selling memorabilia. In the US, Fox News has secured the broadcast rights and intends to use Louise Mensch and Sarah Palin as anchors, in order to tell US viewers about this pivotal character in the stories of the rise of Louise Mensch and Sarah Palin.

Eulogy

Image

The most surprising result of the tendering process is that David Cameron will not give the eulogy. It was expected that the current Prime Minister would use his personal wealth to secure a worldwide audience for his tribute to Baroness Thatcher. However, he was outbid by Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg who is expected to use the sermon slot to launch his much-anticipated Facebook Afterlife social network for the deceased.

As Clarkson will undoubtedly say during the service: “And on that bombshell, it’s goodnight to Baroness Thatcher.”

Senior cleric causes offence on Red Nose Day

ImageThe BBC’s complaints line was red hot on Comic Relief Day after the Archbishop of Canterbury performed a sketch which comedians believed mocked a well-loved comic creation.

The Archbishop’s Justin English sketch saw Justin Welby posing as an inept member of the British comedy establishment, striding around city centres in the south of England and singularly failing to gurn, not accidentally charming and seducing a female assassin who had been sent to kill him and at no point tripping over into shrubbery in an amusing fashion.

“This was a travesty of one of Rowan Bean’s finest comedy creations,” said a clearly distressed Dawn Dibley, “and I think it is sad that Justin did not think about the many children who would have been watching at that time of the evening before the watershed and who love the Johnny English films which this was obviously intended to lampoon. I mean, Justin didn’t even swear or do any jokes about sex, and as far as some kids are concerned, that’s one of the things they most look forward to on Red Nose Night.”

_____________________________________________________________

ImageRed Nose Day is well worth supporting, even if you don’t like all its content, and you can still donate online by clicking the Red Nose logo.

Justin Welby’s Journey in Prayer continues until March 19th

Shock as UKIP come 2nd in West Yorks and the Dales Diocesan vote

Amid an entirely predictable result, there was mild surprise amid the results of the voting as the three Diocesan Synods of Ripon & Leeds, Bradford, and The Rest of West Yorkshire Nobody Knows Quite What To Do With voted on the proposal to merge central functions and devolve the actual business of equipping for mission to make it more effective.

While the Ripon & Leeds and Bradford synods voted the new ‘mission shaped Church’ proposals through as a no brainer, the Diocese of The Rest of West Yorkshire Nobody Knows Quite What To Do With voted against, with UKIP coming a strong second with their “At least we’re not some kind of Italian mission to Yorkshire Euro-Catholic plot” platform.

The Bishop of The Rest of West Yorkshire Including Those Bits You Assumed Were In Sheffield Diocese and the Other Bits Which Anyone With a Map Would Have Automatically Assumed Were In Leeds or Bradford and The Other Bits Which Are Almost In Lancashire said of the other Diocesan synods’ votes, “Obi-Wan once thought as you do. You don’t know the power of the Dark Side, I must obey my master.”