Pippa Middleton writes guide to the perfect Christening in honour of Royal Prince’s birth

Following on from her wildly successful book Celebrate providing sage advice for all kinds of entertaining, Pippa Middleton, in celebration of her nephew Prince George’s birth is to release a new book entitled ‘Christening‘.

christening PIPPA

Here are some extracts from the upcoming best seller:

  • You can’t book a Christening at a mosque, synagogue or even at the Westfield shopping centre – who knew?
  • If you decide to go for one in an Orthodox church they completely dunk the baby in the font. You have been warned.
  • Choose your Godparents wisely – ensure they have good dress sense and their outfits won’t clash with yours as they will have to stand up and make some statements in front of all your friends and family. They have to say something about believing in God and rejecting Satan (ruling out any Satanist friends for the role).
  • Surprisingly, these days, babies do get their heads a bit wet at Christening services so make sure you remove any adorable little bonnet you have bought.
  • Ask your friendly vicar if it is possible to do a flash mob in the church as part of the ceremony. Splish splash I was taking a bath by Bobby Darin is a popular choice.
  • Check with the vicar that they know how to pronounce the name of your baby. If they get it wrong in the ceremony that is then the way the name must be pronounced for time immemorial.
  • Make sure you save the certificate for that all-important school application.
  • It is considered bad luck for the baby to be sick on the vicar.
  • In honour of John the Baptist it is really ‘in’ to serve locusts and wild honey at your reception party. These can be bought at your local Whole Foods store.

Christening by Pippa Middleton will be available at all good book retailers soon.

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Forelock-tugging: a handy guide

According to press reports, politicians, columnists, ad agencies and Tweeters worldwide are frantically tugging their forelocks in honour of the newest member of the British royal family. Anglicanmemes provides this handy guide

1. What and where is my forelock?

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2. How do I tug my forelock?

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3. What do I do if I damage my forelock due to over-tugging?

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Baby Cambridge gives his 1st interview

ImageThe newly-born son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who is third in line to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England, has already caused controversy in his first interview for BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.

Asked first about whether he would mind a female Archbishop of Canterbury presiding at his coronation, he blinked and gurgled.

Next, the young prince was asked whether he might marry a man and whether this might cause a constitutional crisis, to which he farted, moistly.

Finally, the baby was asked about what he thought the most important thing was he could bring to the Church of England. To which, he simply lay down, fell asleep and, in so doing, reminded the interviewer that he was, after all, just another child like you or me, wonderfully made in the image of God.