ABC to follow Pontiff’s lead and offer Twitter indulgences

ImageThe Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has followed the lead of Pope Francis in offering indulgences for those who follow him on Twitter. There was widespread head-scratching earlier in the week at the announcement by the Vatican that the Papal court handling pardons for sins had ruled that contrite Catholics could gain ‘indulgences’ by following World Youth Day on Twitter.

The Anglican model is slightly different, as the doctrine of Purgatory and Indulgences are among those doctrines which the Church of England has discarded since its break from Rome. However, Archbishop Welby, sensing an opportunity for an easy win to please his home crowd, has ruled that PCC members who follow @ABCJustin or @LambethPalace on Twitter will be able to download a voucher allowing them to leave PCC meetings after the first 90 minutes, even if they are the vicar.

A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “Like the Orthodox Church, we do not have a doctrine of Purgatory in the Church of England. Our official line is that this Roman idea ‘is a fond thing, vainly invented, and grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the Word of God’. However, the Pope’s concept of Twitter-bribes to get his follower count up looked good to us. Who among the Anglican flock has not been trapped in an epic PCC meeting where having what amounts to a ‘Go home or to the pub’ card from the Archbishop of Canterbury would not have been a blessed relief from torment?.”

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Rowan Williams emerges as shock front-runner to be new Pope

ImageSources close to the Vatican have hinted at the surprise anointing of former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams as the new Pope when Benedict XVI steps down at the end of the month. Following the shock announcement of Pope Benedict’s retirement, the first occasion a Pope has resigned in over 600 years, it was clear to outsiders that something of great significance was afoot in the See of Rome.

The key issue turns out to be one of ecumenism and practical interdenominational politics rather than theology. The appointment of Williams as Pope is seen by the Vatican as a way to build bridges towards greater Church unity, but not only with the Anglican Communion as might be assumed. As one Cardinal put it, “There is a great drive towards greater unity with the Orthodox Church, but the greatest stumbling block to progress has been that of facial hair. Basically, all the Orthodox and Coptic Metropolitans and Popes have lush beards and have teased our Popes for centuries that our Roman balls haven’t dropped yet and we can’t grow a decent beard between the lot of us. We’re sick of it, frankly, and since none of our Cardinals have decent beards, appointing known beardy Rowan Williams to exercise the Petrine ministry will get ecumenical dialogue on a more grown-up footing. And it will confuse the Ordinariate no end which amuses many of us here, too.”

Another known Anglican beardy, the blogger Archbishop Cranmer was unavailable for comment as he was turning too fast in his grave to type.

News from across the Tiber: horse contamination scandal

The Roman Catholic Church apologised today when it was found that horses had appeared in crib scenes in place of oxen in 100% of the churches tested over the 2012 Christmas period.

A series of investigations by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith revealed the extent of the contamination only after a whistleblower (known only by his nickname Pontifex) cast doubt on the types of livestock present in the Gospel accounts of the Nativity. A Vatican spokesman commented, “We don’t see what all the fuss is about. What is the difference between a horse and an ox in a crib scene, give or take a theologically significant piece of Old Testament symbolism or two?”

raphael_fishers

Raphael’s Sistine Chapel tapestry would have to be reworked to create a “squid-wranglers of men” scene.

Experts from the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith have expressed concern about Pontifex’s next Christmas book which is set to claim that 1st century fishermen in Galilee mainly fished for squid and therefore key Gospel passages will need to be rewritten. Catholics worldwide can expect new translations of the New Testament which include accounts of the feeding of the 5000 using squid and loaves and the first disciples being called to become “squid-wranglers of men”.

Meanwhile, manufacturers of Ichthus badges are already retooling their machines to allow for effective replication of squiddy tendrils.

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy, But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Ok, so this isn’t Anglican but an ‘interesting’ take on women’s ordination from some Roman Catholics. I found it more cringy than helpful, I think, but it’s growing on me! For those of you not ‘down with the kids’ it’s a spoof take on the original song by Carly Rae Jepsen – Call me Maybe.

 

All for a good cause (in our opinion): www.womensordination.org

The lyrics are as follows:

“Ordain a Lady”

I had a dream as a girl
Like Therese of Lisieux
I need to give this whirl
So I can lead the way

Woman priest is my call
Women preaching for all
Don’t listen to St. Paul
‘Cuz I can lead the way

My ministry is growing
Excommunication? I’m still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing
Where you think the Church is going?

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
Justice doesn’t look right, with only male priests,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
Closed discussion on that, and now he’s in my way
I pray, sing, and feel
At first communion it’s real
I but I refuse to kneel,
To Patriarchy’s way

My ministry is growing
Excommunication? I’m still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing
Where you think the Church going?

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
Justice doesn’t look right, with only male priests,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

With women priests in my life, I was so glad
I missed them so bad, I missed them so, so bad
With women priests in my life, I was so glad
We want our Church back, we want it all, all back

Justice doesn’t look right with only male priests
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!

Hey, I was baptized, and this is crazy,
But God just called me, so ordain a lady!
All the other Churches, try to schmooze me,
But I’m a Catholic, so ordain a lady!

With women priests in my life, I was so glad
I missed them so bad, I missed them so, so bad
With women priests in my life, I was so glad
We want our Church back, we want it all, all back

ordain a lady