Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to sue David Cameron

In a shock move, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse today launched a court case against David Cameron’s government claiming they are attempting to privatise their industries and completely undermining the dramatic impact of their plans for the End Times.

My Little 4 Horsemen

The Four Horsemen fear the government is steaing the thunder of their plans for the Apocalypse

A spokesperson for the horsemen (St. John the Divine who wrote their biography in his book Revelation some years ago) explained, “The boys are upset. For millennia they have been a watchword for the end times, as harbingers of the Day of Judgement. Now, each of them has identified ways in which the current UK government is seeking to privatise their unique area of operations.

Pestilence is cross that the government’s surreptitious privatisation of the NHS will make his grand finale of epidemics lose dramatic impact. What will be the point of unleashing an unstoppable and hideous pandemic if the UK has already reverted to 19th century models of access to healthcare?

Famine is aghast that the social security system has been undermined to the extent that food banks are having to be set up to feed those whose employers do not pay a living wage, or who are unemployed. Where’s the fun in unleashing plagues of locusts if the government is already starving the poor and vulnerable?

Death is horrified by the machinations of the Department of Work and Pensions which are systematically euthanising the disabled and those with degenerative, chronic, or terminal illnesses. He claims this takes all the fun and challenge out of his job. And War was already upset that Mr Cameron was spending so much time openly marketing the UK arms industry while Mr Hague seeks to help get even more arms into unstable regions of the Middle East – these things have always happened with governments but they are supposed to be a guilty secret, not something to brag about. It is making a mockery of the whole Harbinger of the Apocalypse brand when they do it so brazenly!”

“These bozos are undoing the whole drama of Armageddon.” said Pestilence, “We’d been enjoying watching humankind attempt to alleviate war, famine, disease, conquest and death, and especially in the UK where a lot of them had been having a good crack at it since 1945 – that kind of thing makes an ideal dramatic canvas for the overwhelmingly destructive devastation of the Apocalypse. But now… the whole show will lose impact. These people have no soul.”

War, however, remained the most philosophical of the group, “Thankfully,” he said, “the UK is just one small part of the globe. We have plenty of other projects on the go in our various areas of operations elsewhere. It’s just that we had high hopes that the home of Shakespeare, Chaucer and Pratchett would have a greater sense of theatre about the End of Days than this. We’re not so much angry as… disappointed in them.”

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Footnote:

For information and background on the policies which are so upsetting the Four Horsemen, you might like to check out the following links (usual disclaimer about Anglicanmemes not being responsible for the content of external sites obviously applies):

The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks about Foodbanks and the government’s derogatory language about people living in poverty.

Church Action of Poverty – information about many poverty-related issues in the UK

War on Welfare campaign – which calls for a Cumulative Impact Assessment of Welfare Reform, and a New Deal for sick & disabled people based on their needs, abilities and ambitions

NHS Support Federation –  an independent pressure group that campaigns to protect and improve the NHS, true to its founding principles, a voluntary organisation, funded by supporters from the health professions and the general public.

Save the NHS petition – via 38Degrees

Stop the Arms Fair – campaign against London’s arms trade fair 2013.