As many parts of the UK were hit by epic thunderstorms, theories about their cause have varied. Some have laid the blame squarely on the atmospheric conditions brought on by hot weather, while others have been quick to ascribe the storms to God’s wrath as a result of equal marriage, immigration, benefit claimants or badger culling.
It was, however, suggested by a spokesperson of Church House that the reason for the throbbing bass, dazzling light display, Gothic colour scheme and crackling atmosphere is simply that God loves rock and roll.
“The thunderstorms are, in fact, a tribute to it being the 40th Anniversary this month of the release of Queen’s debut album,” explained the spokesperson, “plus today sees the birthdays of Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash (1965), Megadeth drummer Nick Menza (1964) and Destiny’s Child’s Michelle Williams (1980). And it is surely no accident that July also sees the anniversary of the birth of the undisputed godfather of heavy metal: Gustav Mahler in 1860.”
However, the spokesperson was swiftly whisked away by concerned-looking clergy, one of whom commented, “Our colleague was left fully robed and unattended in a modern chapel with lots of glass walls over the weekend and is clearly not quite himself.”
The European Court of Human Rights today ruled that the Right Reverend Stephen Cottrell, Bishop of Chelmsford, is legally allowed to bless vehicles in his workplace. The ruling came after an action by the British Humanists’ Association on behalf of an un-named octogenarian, referred to in court only as Monarch L, whose car refused to start following a service at a Norfolk church at the weekend.
A spokesperson for the BHA explained that they had brought the action “to defend the elderly lady concerned against intrusive and aggressive religious interference in her workplace”. The court, however, found that, since the incident took place at a place of worship of which the monarch concerned was Supreme Governor, it was quite reasonable for the plaintiff to have blessed the vehicle.
“Clergy are serial offenders,” said Richard Bonkers of the BHA, “always blessing things which do not want to be blessed. Besides, it was probably not the blessing itself which made the difference, but more than 60 years of the general population singing ‘God save the Queen’ that actually started the car. That’s science, that is. Hold on, is that right…?”
Meanwhile, the AA have hired a headhunter company to secure the services of the Bishop of Chelmsford should he wish to retire.