Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

Lord Carey to offer training course for retired clergy

ImageLord Carey of Clifton today launched a course for retired senior clergy of all denominations. The scheme is aimed at recently retired Pontiffs, Metropolitans and Archbishops and offers advice from Carey’s long experience as a retired Archbishop.

Modules include:

Changing the narrative – how to get the nation talking about things you liked to get them talking about when you were in charge, ideally just as your successor has got them noticing core Gospel issues

Distraction from mission – how to get people to focus on sex, money and divisions in the church

Helping the media – how to be available at a moment’s notice to speak to an agenda set by the Daily Mail and the Today programme

How to be easily misquoted – devising soundbites which convert into a controversial headline which doesn’t reflect what you imagined you’d said

Meanwhile, the rest of the Church of England had other anxieties as they tried to get the media interested in the poor and vulnerable in the UK who were about to lose benefits, homes and hope on Easter Monday, and held in their thoughts and prayers all those who were suffering and dying all around the world for their sexuality, their political opinions and their faith over the Easter weekend.