July 23rd 2013

As many parts of the UK were hit by epic thunderstorms, theories about their cause have varied. Some have laid the blame squarely on the atmospheric conditions brought on by hot weather, while others have been quick to ascribe the storms to God’s wrath as a result of equal marriage, immigration, benefit claimants or badger culling.

It was, however, suggested by a spokesperson of Church House that the reason for the throbbing bass, dazzling light display, Gothic colour scheme and crackling atmosphere is simply that God loves rock and roll.

“The thunderstorms are, in fact, a tribute to it being the 40th Anniversary this month of the release of Queen’s debut album,” explained the spokesperson, “plus today sees the birthdays of Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash (1965), Megadeth drummer Nick Menza (1964)  and Destiny’s Child’s  Michelle Williams (1980). And it is surely no accident that July also sees the anniversary of the birth of the undisputed godfather of heavy metal: Gustav Mahler in 1860.”

However, the spokesperson was swiftly whisked away by concerned-looking clergy, one of whom commented, “Our colleague was left fully robed and unattended in a modern chapel with lots of glass walls over the weekend and is clearly not quite himself.”