The ABC meets Russell Crowe – @stokeminster wins our caption competition

The Archbishop of Canterbury met with Russell Crowe this week, we tweeted a photo and asked for some captions, this one is our favourite so far – feel free to add your own caption in the comments below!

Justin Portal Welby

 

Here are some more captions from our Facebook page:

caption comp

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ABC to follow Pontiff’s lead and offer Twitter indulgences

ImageThe Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has followed the lead of Pope Francis in offering indulgences for those who follow him on Twitter. There was widespread head-scratching earlier in the week at the announcement by the Vatican that the Papal court handling pardons for sins had ruled that contrite Catholics could gain ‘indulgences’ by following World Youth Day on Twitter.

The Anglican model is slightly different, as the doctrine of Purgatory and Indulgences are among those doctrines which the Church of England has discarded since its break from Rome. However, Archbishop Welby, sensing an opportunity for an easy win to please his home crowd, has ruled that PCC members who follow @ABCJustin or @LambethPalace on Twitter will be able to download a voucher allowing them to leave PCC meetings after the first 90 minutes, even if they are the vicar.

A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “Like the Orthodox Church, we do not have a doctrine of Purgatory in the Church of England. Our official line is that this Roman idea ‘is a fond thing, vainly invented, and grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the Word of God’. However, the Pope’s concept of Twitter-bribes to get his follower count up looked good to us. Who among the Anglican flock has not been trapped in an epic PCC meeting where having what amounts to a ‘Go home or to the pub’ card from the Archbishop of Canterbury would not have been a blessed relief from torment?.”

New Archbishop upsets High Priest

Justin Welby’s inaugural sermon provoked a hostile reaction from John Humphries of BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, as Anglicanmemes reporter Unshaun Sheep discovered  when he caught up with Humphries in a coffee shop close to the BBC…

Image“Who does this Welby bloke think he is?” said a clearly grumpy Humphries, crumbs of Danish pastry flying as he spoke. “Clearly, the duty of senior clergy in this country is to say controversial things about homosexuality, women bishops and gay marriage which we in the media can then take them to task about.”

“Well, I wonder…” interjected Sheep

“The whole point,” continued Humphries, “is that someone of his standing in the Church should be saying things which secular humanists and agnostic liberals can get uppity about and give the nation’s moral guardians, such as myself, a chance to tell him what he ought to be saying.”

“Yes, but…” interjected Sheep

“If he keeps going on with this shtick he started in his sermon,” continued Humphries, “about challenging the Church of England into reaching out for Christ, taking risks in mission, seeking justice rooted in Christ, Christians stepping out of their comfort zone and braving the waves for the sake of the Gospel, then there is a serious danger that people will forget what they’re supposed to be thinking!”

“I see,” said Sheep, “so his image of the Church braving waves of…”

“Well if there are any waves to be braved,” interrupted Humphries, his voice building through a crescendo,  “it is for me, Paul Dacre, David Cameron, Polly Toynbee and other High Priests of What People Ought To Think Nowadays to decide what those waves are to be and to tell the Archbishop of Canterbury what his agenda ought to be. The last chap, Williams, he never got that one right either. Anyway, can’t stop, I’m due in the studio…”

Humphries finished his latte, rose and rushed outside.

“Oh, and it’s spelled Humphrys, you Anglican clot!” he yelled through the door as it slammed behind him.

Senior cleric causes offence on Red Nose Day

ImageThe BBC’s complaints line was red hot on Comic Relief Day after the Archbishop of Canterbury performed a sketch which comedians believed mocked a well-loved comic creation.

The Archbishop’s Justin English sketch saw Justin Welby posing as an inept member of the British comedy establishment, striding around city centres in the south of England and singularly failing to gurn, not accidentally charming and seducing a female assassin who had been sent to kill him and at no point tripping over into shrubbery in an amusing fashion.

“This was a travesty of one of Rowan Bean’s finest comedy creations,” said a clearly distressed Dawn Dibley, “and I think it is sad that Justin did not think about the many children who would have been watching at that time of the evening before the watershed and who love the Johnny English films which this was obviously intended to lampoon. I mean, Justin didn’t even swear or do any jokes about sex, and as far as some kids are concerned, that’s one of the things they most look forward to on Red Nose Night.”

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ImageRed Nose Day is well worth supporting, even if you don’t like all its content, and you can still donate online by clicking the Red Nose logo.

Justin Welby’s Journey in Prayer continues until March 19th

Anglicans to stay up till Midnight to witness The Doctor’s regeneration

In a Midnight Special, the Archbishop of Canterbury will regenerate himself into a younger, less hirsute version.

In a Midnight Special, the Archbishop of Canterbury will regenerate himself into a younger, less hirsute version.

Fans of the Church of England are expected to stay up until Midnight on December 31st to witness the regeneration of Doctor Rowan Williams into the 105th Archbishop of Canterbury.

Eschewing a Christmas Day Special, the C of E opted for a midnight event on the brink of a New Year for the transition between the 104th Prime Lord and his successor. Controversially, the new Prime Lord of the Church of England is not a Doctor and is not expected to have a female Bishop as a travelling companion (at least for his first few series).

It is expected that the Church of England will begin marketing figurines of the new Archbishop early in 2013, together with updated versions of his trademark Sonic Crozier and unique travelling machine the TARDIS (Theological And Reflective Discussions In Synod).