You don’t know how I feel, man… you weren’t there.
According to press reports, politicians, columnists, ad agencies and Tweeters worldwide are frantically tugging their forelocks in honour of the newest member of the British royal family. Anglicanmemes provides this handy guide
1. What and where is my forelock?
2. How do I tug my forelock?
3. What do I do if I damage my forelock due to over-tugging?
The newly-born son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who is third in line to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England, has already caused controversy in his first interview for BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.
Asked first about whether he would mind a female Archbishop of Canterbury presiding at his coronation, he blinked and gurgled.
Next, the young prince was asked whether he might marry a man and whether this might cause a constitutional crisis, to which he farted, moistly.
Finally, the baby was asked about what he thought the most important thing was he could bring to the Church of England. To which, he simply lay down, fell asleep and, in so doing, reminded the interviewer that he was, after all, just another child like you or me, wonderfully made in the image of God.
Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.
Extracts from the manual:
- Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
- Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
- Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
- Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
- Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash
The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.
This Blyton title has become popular as a Christmas present for members of Synod, some of whom own dozens of copies already.
Some Synod traditions, such as the Threshing of the Bishops, have been deemed no longer appropriate.