Baby Cambridge gives his 1st interview

Posted on 22/07/2013 by masterofthememes

The newly-born son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who is third in line to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England, has already caused controversy in his first interview for BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.

Asked first about whether he would mind a female Archbishop of Canterbury presiding at his coronation, he blinked and gurgled.

Next, the young prince was asked whether he might marry a man and whether this might cause a constitutional crisis, to which he farted, moistly.

Finally, the baby was asked about what he thought the most important thing was he could bring to the Church of England. To which, he simply lay down, fell asleep and, in so doing, reminded the interviewer that he was, after all, just another child like you or me, wonderfully made in the image of God.

Church of England launches heatwave advice

Posted on 19/07/2013 by masterofthememes

Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.

Extracts from the manual:

Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash

The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.

We all know a #Synod member who’d like this book

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We all know a #Synod member who'd like this book

This Blyton title has become popular as a Christmas present for members of Synod, some of whom own dozens of copies already.

Since Blyton’s day some #Synod traditions have been dropped

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Since Blyton's day some #Synod traditions have been dropped

Some Synod traditions, such as the Threshing of the Bishops, have been deemed no longer appropriate.

Some of Blyton’s #Synod books were quite dark

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Some of Blyton's #Synod books were quite dark

But the camaraderie always won through, even when members of the House of Clergy were pushed off cliffs (Synods of the 1950s were notoriously hardcore)

Enid Blyton’s long-forgotten General Synod books #1

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Enid Blyton's long-forgotten General Synod books #1

Not all new members of the House of Laity appreciated the initiation ceremonies.

Supreme Governor of Church of England declares ‘War on Terror’

Posted on 04/07/2013 by masterofthememes

George III stands up to terrorist insurgents

On this day in history, the Supreme Governor of the Church of England, George III, declared the first War on Terror as insurgents attacked British peace-keeping forces in the American colonies following a declaration of treason by fifty six local warlords on July 4th 1776. As bombings, assassinations and civil disobedience escalated, Defender of the Faith King George resisted calls for the British government to withdraw its forces, saying their mission of restoring peace, a well-ordered society and proper use of the English language to the British territories of North America was not yet complete.

Spokesmen for the thirteen rebel tribes claimed that their campaign of terror marked the beginning of an epic ‘war of independence’ which would be celebrated for centuries to come as the dawn of a new democratic age. However, the British army dismissed the claims of these militias, pointing out that the insurgents’ sponsors were the slightly less than democratic Empress Catherine The Great of Russia and Louis XVI of France, and that the colonists were not seeking universal democracy, but merely tax benefits and political power for rich, white males.

King Louis XVI commented, “I am a big fan of zis Independence sing in America. King George… ‘ee needs keepin’ in heez place. I mean, in France we have the amazing ME at ze helm so ze people, zey are perfectly happy, but you haff to laff at ze silly English, letting zair colonies get out of hand simply by not letting zair upper middle classes feel important…” To which King George replied, “Don’t lose your head, Louis.” (which proved somewhat prophetic, as it turned out).