Fresh Expressions help ECB relaunch cricket

The English Cricket Board (ECB) today released details of its new, relevant, accessible version of cricket, to be known as Café Hit-a-Ball. The game is essentially the same as that which has been played over several centuries, but with technical terms made more easily comprehensible to the un-cricketed.

ImageNew, relevant, accessible terms include the hitty-stick (bat), ball-wanger (bowler), target-sticks (wicket),  hitter (batsman), team-turn (innings), grassy rectangle (crease), ball-wanging-turn (over), point (run) and woot-woot-off-the-field (boundary).

Instead of incomprehensible genuflections from an umpire, details of scoring and other decisions will be displayed via Powerpoint on a big screen. In Comic Sans.

The ECB was advised by the Church of England’s Fresh Expressions team after their success in using everyday language in what used to be called church services in order to make them accessible. “Cricket seems so irrelevant to most people, with its talk of silly-mid-off, twelfth man, maiden overs, centurions, leg slips and so on, and its off-putting use of negative terms such as boundary, crease and out.” explained Miss E Church, ” I mean, Twenty20 was all well and good as a Fresh Expression of cricket, but it still used cricketing terms which put were not comprehensible to people who knew nothing about the game. With our help, we are sure that the ECB can promote cricket as nothing special at all, and an easily-digested part of mainstream culture, accessible to everyone.”

Fresh Expressions are also in talks with the FA about developing Kick-a-ball, the Lawn Tennis Association about Over-the-net-ball, and Downton Abbey’s producers about a new series called Upstairs, Downstairs.

Editor’s note: Church of England clergy at their ordination promise to find ways to ‘proclaim the gospel afresh in each generation’ (and have done so for centuries) 

King Henry Launches Fresh Expressions

King Henry at today’s launch of Fresh Expressions

King Henry VIII today launched an initiative to revitalise the Holy, Catholick and Apostolick Church in England. Entitled Fresh Expressions, it is the Defender of the Faith’s hope that this initiative will introduce innovations into worship in the churches of England to better meet the needs of his modern subjects.

Examples of these innovations include:

  • Messy Divorce Church – the use of theological sleight of hand and beheading as a means of ending marriages
  • Labyrinth – creating a new and convoluted system for discerning vocations to the priesthood (to replace the tried-and-tested ‘ordain the youngest son of the landed gentry’ method)
  • Executions for Treason – great for drawing the whole community together in fellowship and fear
  • Cathay Style – a form of worship which involves independence from the Pope and consequent freedom to invade and conquer lands far, far away for oneself
  • Royal Weddings – increasing the average number of royal marriages per monarch as these events are hugely popular and therefore great for mission
  • Invading France and/or Scotland – another crowd-pleaser but likely to be used less frequently as the cost of putting on these big outdoor festivals is seldom covered by what is received when the plate is passed round

Not everyone was happy about this initiative, however. His Holiness Pope Clement VII said, “It is typical of the Church in England to pander to modern thinking and popular culture in this manner. It’s political correctness gone mad. They’ll be wanting to appoint women Bishops next.”