Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

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Chaos averted on clergy transfer deadline day

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The clergy transfer season ended today with a frenzy of unexpected, last minute transactions taking place between Dioceses.

The much publicised signing of the Bishop of Durham by Canterbury had already gone ahead before the transfer window closed, but in a last minute frenzy, the impending retirements of the Bishops of Liverpool, Exeter, Bath & Wells, Tewkesbury, Dunwich, Colchester and the Diocese in Europe coupled with existing vacant team slots in St. Germans, Lewes, Whitby, Blackburn and Manchester meant that the field was wide open for a major bout of surprise signings. This was further complicated when Ian Duncan Smith at the Department of Work and Pensions became aware of the large number of vacancies and attempted to insist that these were filled by signing the Crown Nominations Commission up to his flagship Workfare scheme.

Under the Government’s Workfare scheme, the disabled, the terminally ill and those unable to find paid employment (due to austerity forcing many businesses to fold) are made to work unpaid for large corporations in order to continue to receive benefit payments.

A Crown Nominations Commission spokesperson commented, “While the concept of working for less than subsistence level income and becoming ‘a slave to all’ is very much in line with the kind of servant ministry we seek from Bishops, we feel that making the terminally ill turn up to the House of Lords and General Synod will breach their human rights as it possibly counts as a “cruel and unusual punishment”.

Anyone wishing to become a Bishop was asked to write to the Crown Nominations Commission, enclosing a CV and a sworn statement that they were not openly gay, a woman or a conservative Evangelical.