IDS trumps Boris: All deadly sins are virtues, actually

In the wake of London Mayor Boris Johnson’s claim that greed was indeed good, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, not to be outdone, has claimed that all seven traditional deadly sins are fine and dandy and part of contemporary Conservatism.

ids02“Boris was quite right,” claimed IDS, “avarice and greed rightly lie at the very foundation of our economic vision, but of course, that is only part of the story. We should work tirelessly and without shame to put all seven at the heart of national life.

“If Boris were to look at my department, he’d see that we’re already:

and, when added to greed, that accounts for six out of the seven.”

Boris Johnson commented, “Cripes! Old Duncan Smith must be very proud…”

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Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”