Tag Archives: Church of England

The Anglican OED adds voguish new words

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Anglican Grammarobergruppenführers expressed there exasperation as the OED (the Orthorized Englican Dikshunry) adopted new, voguish words into it’s latest edition. New Christian vocabulary such as apols, shelfie, Phablet, bit-tithe, omnicandles and the controversial term ‘querk’ have made the cut. So, what do these newly-embraced terms mean, innit?

Apols – a low-church term for Prayers of Penitence

Shelfie – a priest’s face Photoshopped into a picture of  the Blessed Virgin Mary and kept as a guilty secret on a shelf in they’re study

Phablet – what Anglicans call The Tablet when a trendy Anglican is guest editor

bit-tithe – when online items are donated to support churches (though what St Agnes’s is supposed to do with donated Minecraft blocks, Candycrush lives or invitations to play Bubble Witch Saga is anyone’s guess)

omnicandles – a huge conflagration at Candlemas which could of burnt the church down and to which the emergency services have to be called

Querk – a provocative form of liturgical dance involving quirky genuflections and several Liturgical Errors (made popular by Father Miles O’Sirius at Greenbelt during his popular You Too? Mass)

 

 

 [Award yourself minus five points for every grammatical error you find it necessary to comment upon in this article]

Baby Cambridge gives his 1st interview

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ImageThe newly-born son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who is third in line to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England, has already caused controversy in his first interview for BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.

Asked first about whether he would mind a female Archbishop of Canterbury presiding at his coronation, he blinked and gurgled.

Next, the young prince was asked whether he might marry a man and whether this might cause a constitutional crisis, to which he farted, moistly.

Finally, the baby was asked about what he thought the most important thing was he could bring to the Church of England. To which, he simply lay down, fell asleep and, in so doing, reminded the interviewer that he was, after all, just another child like you or me, wonderfully made in the image of God.

Church of England launches heatwave advice

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Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.

Extracts from the manual:

  • Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
  • Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
  • Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
  • Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
  • Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash

The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.