Away in a Manger, no Sled for a Bed

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It’s silly season again and the world has gone mad for made up nativity plays. Meanwhile the annual vicar witch hunt is on. This one is making people question the very existence if the tooth fairy!!

For the record, St Nicholas and Jesus both existed. And they were both white men. Verifiable fact.

C of E to follow Amazon’s lead and use unmanned drones

Following the lead of online retailer Amazon, the Church of England has unveiled plans to use unmanned drones to deliver church services to places of worship, homes, places of work or even outdoors..

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While plenty of candidates for the Anglican priesthood continue to come forward, and plenty continue to be ordained, it has long been the Church of England’s policy to reduce the number of paid clergy posts as they cannot afford to pay them, or their pensions. This is because most of the money raised by Henry VIII’s mahoosive sell off of monasteries and their lands was blown by investing unwisely in the property bubble of the 80s.

The new system of drones will allow centrally-piloted, hovering robots to deliver approved services and even display the words on an abdominally-mounted screen. Congregations can request services by typing in the post code of their chosen place of worship, the date, time and type of church service they wish to have and indicating what the drone is to do if nobody is in. These options include: say the service anyway, give the service to a neighbour, leave the service in a safe place, or drop the service into a local church to be said by a human at a later date.

Fresh Expressions help ECB relaunch cricket

The English Cricket Board (ECB) today released details of its new, relevant, accessible version of cricket, to be known as Café Hit-a-Ball. The game is essentially the same as that which has been played over several centuries, but with technical terms made more easily comprehensible to the un-cricketed.

ImageNew, relevant, accessible terms include the hitty-stick (bat), ball-wanger (bowler), target-sticks (wicket),  hitter (batsman), team-turn (innings), grassy rectangle (crease), ball-wanging-turn (over), point (run) and woot-woot-off-the-field (boundary).

Instead of incomprehensible genuflections from an umpire, details of scoring and other decisions will be displayed via Powerpoint on a big screen. In Comic Sans.

The ECB was advised by the Church of England’s Fresh Expressions team after their success in using everyday language in what used to be called church services in order to make them accessible. “Cricket seems so irrelevant to most people, with its talk of silly-mid-off, twelfth man, maiden overs, centurions, leg slips and so on, and its off-putting use of negative terms such as boundary, crease and out.” explained Miss E Church, ” I mean, Twenty20 was all well and good as a Fresh Expression of cricket, but it still used cricketing terms which put were not comprehensible to people who knew nothing about the game. With our help, we are sure that the ECB can promote cricket as nothing special at all, and an easily-digested part of mainstream culture, accessible to everyone.”

Fresh Expressions are also in talks with the FA about developing Kick-a-ball, the Lawn Tennis Association about Over-the-net-ball, and Downton Abbey’s producers about a new series called Upstairs, Downstairs.

Editor’s note: Church of England clergy at their ordination promise to find ways to ‘proclaim the gospel afresh in each generation’ (and have done so for centuries) 

Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”