C of E to follow Amazon’s lead and use unmanned drones

Following the lead of online retailer Amazon, the Church of England has unveiled plans to use unmanned drones to deliver church services to places of worship, homes, places of work or even outdoors..


While plenty of candidates for the Anglican priesthood continue to come forward, and plenty continue to be ordained, it has long been the Church of England’s policy to reduce the number of paid clergy posts as they cannot afford to pay them, or their pensions. This is because most of the money raised by Henry VIII’s mahoosive sell off of monasteries and their lands was blown by investing unwisely in the property bubble of the 80s.

The new system of drones will allow centrally-piloted, hovering robots to deliver approved services and even display the words on an abdominally-mounted screen. Congregations can request services by typing in the post code of their chosen place of worship, the date, time and type of church service they wish to have and indicating what the drone is to do if nobody is in. These options include: say the service anyway, give the service to a neighbour, leave the service in a safe place, or drop the service into a local church to be said by a human at a later date.


What is a ‘Synod’? #GenSynod

Some of our followers aren’t from the Church of England and don’t know all of the strange terminology we use. At the moment there is a “Synod”. This is to help you understand what a synod looks like.


Fresh Expressions help ECB relaunch cricket

The English Cricket Board (ECB) today released details of its new, relevant, accessible version of cricket, to be known as Café Hit-a-Ball. The game is essentially the same as that which has been played over several centuries, but with technical terms made more easily comprehensible to the un-cricketed.

ImageNew, relevant, accessible terms include the hitty-stick (bat), ball-wanger (bowler), target-sticks (wicket),  hitter (batsman), team-turn (innings), grassy rectangle (crease), ball-wanging-turn (over), point (run) and woot-woot-off-the-field (boundary).

Instead of incomprehensible genuflections from an umpire, details of scoring and other decisions will be displayed via Powerpoint on a big screen. In Comic Sans.

The ECB was advised by the Church of England’s Fresh Expressions team after their success in using everyday language in what used to be called church services in order to make them accessible. “Cricket seems so irrelevant to most people, with its talk of silly-mid-off, twelfth man, maiden overs, centurions, leg slips and so on, and its off-putting use of negative terms such as boundary, crease and out.” explained Miss E Church, ” I mean, Twenty20 was all well and good as a Fresh Expression of cricket, but it still used cricketing terms which put were not comprehensible to people who knew nothing about the game. With our help, we are sure that the ECB can promote cricket as nothing special at all, and an easily-digested part of mainstream culture, accessible to everyone.”

Fresh Expressions are also in talks with the FA about developing Kick-a-ball, the Lawn Tennis Association about Over-the-net-ball, and Downton Abbey’s producers about a new series called Upstairs, Downstairs.

Editor’s note: Church of England clergy at their ordination promise to find ways to ‘proclaim the gospel afresh in each generation’ (and have done so for centuries) 

Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

New Atheists launch basics course to rival C of E’s Pilgrim


In response to the launch of the Church of England’s new Pilgrim course – intended to help people explore the Christian faith – a group of self-styled New Atheists have set up a rival basics course.

The Grim Pillock course is designed to help people who have vague feelings that, as reasonably liberal people, they really ought to be atheists, just like the mainstream media tell them they should be, but are not sure how to become a frothing caricature of one (aka a grim pillock) online.

Course author, Rick Radishwand, says the aim of the course is to help people who might fill in “none” in the religion box in a census to really commit to being a recognisable New Atheist online. Modules include:

  • how to sound like someone’s bitter Great Great Great Aunt on Twitter
  • how to aggressively attack, belittle and abuse followers of particular religions whilst deluding yourself that this is consistent with being a liberal, loving member of the brotherhood of all people
  • how to insist on holding all arguments comfortably within your own assumptions and terms of reference when you find yourself out of your depth with a philosophical or theological thinker
  • how to blame all belief of all kinds when someone of faith says something daft or does something bad
  • straw man argument construction
  • how to pick on a Twitter opponent who is not your intellectual peer in order to appear bright

A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “We’re pleased that the New Atheists are putting this information out there. It certainly helps explain their approach online and the behaviour of some of their high-profile members. We hope it will therefore encourage atheists, don’t knows and vaguely interesteds who don’t want to look like a Grim Pillock online to come along to a Pilgrim course where they can find out what Christians actually believe.”