In the wake of a series of high-profile resignations in the UK, Jesus Christ has failed to step down as Head of the Church of England. Pressure had been mounting on the Son of God to “do the decent thing” and “get on with his [eternal] life” following aggressive reports about the failure of the Church of England to gain support in opinion polls.
After a week or so of steppings-down, including the UK’s Prime Minister and Renowned Cockwomble David Cameron, UKIP Leader Nigel Farage, Top Gear Shoutmeister Chris Evans, England Kick-a-ball Supremo Roy Hodgson and Brexit Lie-meister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the Church of England might have seemed an unlikely target for a fresh expression of national exasperation with leadership.
But while grassroots members of the Church of England were still overwhelmingly supportive of JC’s headship of the Church Universal, rumours have been circulating that a splinter group of General Synod members were blaming JC for a lack of leadership, being insufficiently able to engage with the right wing media, not being willing to share a platform with the powers and dominions of this present darkness, and having a beard.
Despite the muttering campaign, however, while politicians come and go, JC remains in place, not only as head of the Church, but also its cornerstone.
The Church of England as been rocked by news that the Ledzeppelin Commission has published a new experimental wording for Stairway to Heaven. The new rite came under scrutiny from the press last week when it was backed by Archbishop Justin Hawkins. Many clerics have been critical of Stairway as it doesn’t speak to the common man. The Bishop of Liverpool, Rt Revd Paul McCartney requested the new wording saying that they now want to use the language of Rhianna rather than The Rolling Stones. “Bands like The Rolling Stones are so out of touch and unpopular in 2014, struggling to fill small pubs and clubs and connect with new audiences” says +Paul.
“You need a serious amount of drugs for the lyrics to make any sense in our urban context” said one cleric. “What does it even me ‘to be a rock and not to roll’ in the twenty first century? 90% of the people who are hearing it for the first time will have no idea what the Ledzeppelin Commission is going on about with this outdated nonsense”.
Traditionalists have been highly critical of the new wording as it removes all mention of Beelzebub and his minion hoards. “In the seventies you knew where you stood” insists Mrs Beamish, a staunch member of the ASB Society. “You stood on a Highway to Hell having Sympathy for the Devil. Now we’re being told that we’re Shining bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, like diamonds in the sky. Where is the poetic beauty that comes from centuries of tradition? Diamonds don’t even shine, they reflect light so it is totally meaningless. In my day we were left winding on down the road with shadows taller than our soul! How can this new baptism rite lead the people of England to the time when all are one and one is all? It is a disgrace and ++Justin should be ashamed of himself. This new fangled rite just leaves us longing for the day we went down to Georgia”.
Following the lead of online retailer Amazon, the Church of England has unveiled plans to use unmanned drones to deliver church services to places of worship, homes, places of work or even outdoors..
While plenty of candidates for the Anglican priesthood continue to come forward, and plenty continue to be ordained, it has long been the Church of England’s policy to reduce the number of paid clergy posts as they cannot afford to pay them, or their pensions. This is because most of the money raised by Henry VIII’s mahoosive sell off of monasteries and their lands was blown by investing unwisely in the property bubble of the 80s.
The new system of drones will allow centrally-piloted, hovering robots to deliver approved services and even display the words on an abdominally-mounted screen. Congregations can request services by typing in the post code of their chosen place of worship, the date, time and type of church service they wish to have and indicating what the drone is to do if nobody is in. These options include: say the service anyway, give the service to a neighbour, leave the service in a safe place, or drop the service into a local church to be said by a human at a later date.