Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening…

July 23rd 2013

As many parts of the UK were hit by epic thunderstorms, theories about their cause have varied. Some have laid the blame squarely on the atmospheric conditions brought on by hot weather, while others have been quick to ascribe the storms to God’s wrath as a result of equal marriage, immigration, benefit claimants or badger culling.

It was, however, suggested by a spokesperson of Church House that the reason for the throbbing bass, dazzling light display, Gothic colour scheme and crackling atmosphere is simply that God loves rock and roll.

queenstorm“The thunderstorms are, in fact, a tribute to it being the 40th Anniversary this month of the release of Queen’s debut album,” explained the spokesperson, “plus today sees the birthdays of Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash (1965), Megadeth drummer Nick Menza (1964)  and Destiny’s Child’s  Michelle Williams (1980). And it is surely no accident that July also sees the anniversary of the birth of the undisputed godfather of heavy metal: Gustav Mahler in 1860.”

However, the spokesperson was swiftly whisked away by concerned-looking clergy, one of whom commented, “Our colleague was left fully robed and unattended in a modern chapel with lots of glass walls over the weekend and is clearly not quite himself.”

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Panic tidying by Bishops takes internet down

The internet was down for several hours earlier today following scenes of panic at Church House. Yesterday’s announcement that eight senior female members of the clergy are to attend and participate in House of Bishops meetings led to a frenzy of tidying at the Bishops’ meeting room at Church House in London.

A spokesman explained, “The morning after the meeting, the Bishops realised that their room had degenerated somewhat and was in no fit state for women to see. A panicked half hour of tidying ensued during which they got all the pizza boxes from behind the sofa, rounded up the crisp packets, nipped out to Londis for some black plastic sacks, untangled all the phone and iPad chargers and collected the empties and took them to the recycling bins near Victoria. It was all going fine until Nick Baines got the Dyson out.”

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The internet was hidden in Church House in the early 1990s.

In order to plug the vacuum cleaner in, the Blogging Bishop of Bradford unplugged what he took to be a dehumidifier but which turned out to be the entire internet. Sir Tim Berners-Lee had placed this in the House of Bishops meeting room without telling anyone more than 20 years previously. “It was an ideal place.” explained the father of the world wide web, “It’s often said that you can’t turn the entire internet off, but that’s just what we tell people. Actually, the whole thing fits in one  plastic box about the size of a kitchen bin. Church House, and the House of Bishops room in particular, seemed the obvious place to hide it. I mean, who would ever suspect the House of Bishops as the place to keep a high-speed, efficient means of communication?”