News from across the Tiber: horse contamination scandal

The Roman Catholic Church apologised today when it was found that horses had appeared in crib scenes in place of oxen in 100% of the churches tested over the 2012 Christmas period.

A series of investigations by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith revealed the extent of the contamination only after a whistleblower (known only by his nickname Pontifex) cast doubt on the types of livestock present in the Gospel accounts of the Nativity. A Vatican spokesman commented, “We don’t see what all the fuss is about. What is the difference between a horse and an ox in a crib scene, give or take a theologically significant piece of Old Testament symbolism or two?”

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Raphael’s Sistine Chapel tapestry would have to be reworked to create a “squid-wranglers of men” scene.

Experts from the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith have expressed concern about Pontifex’s next Christmas book which is set to claim that 1st century fishermen in Galilee mainly fished for squid and therefore key Gospel passages will need to be rewritten. Catholics worldwide can expect new translations of the New Testament which include accounts of the feeding of the 5000 using squid and loaves and the first disciples being called to become “squid-wranglers of men”.

Meanwhile, manufacturers of Ichthus badges are already retooling their machines to allow for effective replication of squiddy tendrils.

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