Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

Traditionalists demand ‘proper provision’. Of their own monarch.

two monarchs

Artist’s impression of what alternative monarchial oversight might look like in practice.

David Cameron looks set for an unexpected House of Commons battle shortly when he brings forward legislation to end male primogeniture in the monarchy. This new law would end the practice of men taking precedence over women when it comes to who succeeds to the throne, and would ensure that the firstborn child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would have an equal claim to the throne whether they are a girl or a boy.

Despite the proposed legislation winning overwhelming worldwide support from every Commonwealth nation, traditionalists in England have demanded that those who oppose this move be provided with an alternative monarchy using the existing rules of succession. “It is not we who are changing,” explained a clearly disgruntled member of Preform (a group which represents constitutional traditionalists within the English establishment) “it is the whole nation which is suddenly seeking to put itself out of kilter with us and the traditions of England. Where’s the talk of respect and equality when it comes to accommodating us and our deeply-held beliefs, eh?”.

Traditionalists claim that the proposed measure does not make proper provision for their monarchical oversight, and so the House of Commons must go back to the drawing board and create a system which meets their needs. They would not be drawn on exactly what these needs might be, nor on what form acceptable legislation might take. As one member of Preform put it,  “It’s not for us to tell you what we might think is reasonable. We’ll just keep telling you it’s not.”

With thanks to Rev Graeme Fancourt – @graemefancourt – for letting me steal the premise of this posting from his Tweet and expand it rhapsodically into far more than 140 characters. Obviously, if anyone doesn’t like this post, it’s my fault, not his!