So, last week the new Bishop of Sheffield was announced. What this actually precipitated was the most creative burst of episcopally related shenanigans on Twitter that we’ve ever seen from @fictionfox (who happens to be married to the bishop-designate of Sheffield).
Here are some of her best tweets.
It started with this very niche joke (if you don’t get it, look up the name of the last bishop of Sheffield):
Fergie tries on a mitre for size and is perplexed to discover that his head is not big enough.
In a move which has left many confused, Sir Alex Ferguson has been appointed Bishop of Durham following his retirement from Manchester United after 26 years. Enabled by a special emergency Act of Synod, Sir Alex becomes the first non-ordained person to be appointed to the Episcopate of the Church of England. A spokesperson for the Crown Appointments Commission explained, “All the people we were initially considering for the See of Durham were women, and obviously that’s still a no-no. However, Sir Alex is male and has an amazingly successful track record in taking an organisation to peak performance, so we hope that he will lead the Church of England to higher attendance figures, fewer own goals, international missional successes and making General Synod’s vigourous discussions a lot more er… colourful.”
Real Madrid manager José Mourinho’s announcement that he is to be the new Bishop of Manchester has, however, been denied by the Church of England and seems to be down to Mourinho’s translator having a mischievous sense of humour.
The internet was down for several hours earlier today following scenes of panic at Church House. Yesterday’s announcement that eight senior female members of the clergy are to attend and participate in House of Bishops meetings led to a frenzy of tidying at the Bishops’ meeting room at Church House in London.
A spokesman explained, “The morning after the meeting, the Bishops realised that their room had degenerated somewhat and was in no fit state for women to see. A panicked half hour of tidying ensued during which they got all the pizza boxes from behind the sofa, rounded up the crisp packets, nipped out to Londis for some black plastic sacks, untangled all the phone and iPad chargers and collected the empties and took them to the recycling bins near Victoria. It was all going fine until Nick Baines got the Dyson out.”
The internet was hidden in Church House in the early 1990s.
In order to plug the vacuum cleaner in, the Blogging Bishop of Bradford unplugged what he took to be a dehumidifier but which turned out to be the entire internet. Sir Tim Berners-Lee had placed this in the House of Bishops meeting room without telling anyone more than 20 years previously. “It was an ideal place.” explained the father of the world wide web, “It’s often said that you can’t turn the entire internet off, but that’s just what we tell people. Actually, the whole thing fits in one plastic box about the size of a kitchen bin. Church House, and the House of Bishops room in particular, seemed the obvious place to hide it. I mean, who would ever suspect the House of Bishops as the place to keep a high-speed, efficient means of communication?”
The European Court of Human Rights today ruled that the Right Reverend Stephen Cottrell, Bishop of Chelmsford, is legally allowed to bless vehicles in his workplace. The ruling came after an action by the British Humanists’ Association on behalf of an un-named octogenarian, referred to in court only as Monarch L, whose car refused to start following a service at a Norfolk church at the weekend.
A spokesperson for the BHA explained that they had brought the action “to defend the elderly lady concerned against intrusive and aggressive religious interference in her workplace”. The court, however, found that, since the incident took place at a place of worship of which the monarch concerned was Supreme Governor, it was quite reasonable for the plaintiff to have blessed the vehicle.
“Clergy are serial offenders,” said Richard Bonkers of the BHA, “always blessing things which do not want to be blessed. Besides, it was probably not the blessing itself which made the difference, but more than 60 years of the general population singing ‘God save the Queen’ that actually started the car. That’s science, that is. Hold on, is that right…?”
Meanwhile, the AA have hired a headhunter company to secure the services of the Bishop of Chelmsford should he wish to retire.