Apple tempts with New Product™

The puckered anticipation of Worldwide Geekery was sated today as Apple unveiled its long-anticipated, tempting New Product™


Presenting the New Product™, Apple executive Phil Snake explained: “we’re still working on the smartwatch version of previous Apples, but frankly they’re still the size of a Blakes 7 communicator, so we decided to make a shinier, superficially improved version of our popular Previous Product™ for pretty much twice the price. Just like last time.”

The New Product™

The Apple 5P™ will tempt consumers much more quickly, offers built-in fingerpointing recognition software (to blame your spouse / a nearby bystander more efficiently) and has had its casing redesigned to offer a curvier, smoother look, with a thinner, tapering shape to make it easier to hold.

Consumer reaction has been mixed. Avid customer Eve Theoikon welcomed the New Product™, saying “Shiny! Shiny thing! My precious! And Candy Crush Saga is preloaded! Let joy be unconfined!” whereas Mr Theoikon commented, “It looks like it’s all gone a bit pear shaped to me.”