Sidling Sideways in Faith Appoints New Director

The Anglican organisation Sidling Sideways in Faith has announced that it is appointing the Reverend Barry Nice as its new Director.

According to its mission statement, Sidling Sideways in Faith seeks to position itself “equidistant between every single other faction within the Church of England” and promotes the “polite, unobtrusive sidling-around and side-stepping of every ecclesiastical issue of the day”.

Reverend Nice says he is greatly looking forward to taking up his new post and believes that the group’s work is important. “Our affiliated parishes don’t want to be one of those annoying churches who make people uncomfortable,” he explains. “so we are for those who seek to avoid associating themselves with WATCH, Reform, Forward in Faith, Anglican Mainstream, Inclusive Church, Church Action on Poverty,  the Evangelical Alliance, Affirming Catholicism or indeed any group with a strong set of opinions about anything.”

The new Director of Sidling Sideways in Faith will take up his post as soon as he is released from his current position as Chamberlain-wrangler of the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Eyebrows, a rarely-necessary and largely heraldic post which looks likely to fall dormant once Rowan Williams steps down.

Additional Additional Eucharistic Prayers

Following the introduction of additional Eucharistic Prayers for Children in September, November will see the Liturgical Commission launch Eucharistic Prayers which target other demographic groups.

ImageThe most controversial is likely to be the Eucharistic Prayer for People Who Can’t Abide the Vicar of Dibley. “This is much needed,” said commission member Canon Brian E. Taylor, “for all those who really cannot focus on the Lord’s table whilst recalling the mis-spelling of St. Barnabus (“it’s BarnabAs – with an A” is a line from the new prayer), and their infuriation with a series which presented the Church of England as little more than a cosy bag of cute, clawless kittens.”

Chloe Finkly, aged 4, commented, “I think it’s great that grumpy grown-ups get their own prayers. Church isn’t just for us kids.” before continuing as she belted the pew in front with Peppa Pig, “Why don’t dogs come to church?”

King Henry Launches Fresh Expressions

King Henry at today’s launch of Fresh Expressions

King Henry VIII today launched an initiative to revitalise the Holy, Catholick and Apostolick Church in England. Entitled Fresh Expressions, it is the Defender of the Faith’s hope that this initiative will introduce innovations into worship in the churches of England to better meet the needs of his modern subjects.

Examples of these innovations include:

  • Messy Divorce Church – the use of theological sleight of hand and beheading as a means of ending marriages
  • Labyrinth – creating a new and convoluted system for discerning vocations to the priesthood (to replace the tried-and-tested ‘ordain the youngest son of the landed gentry’ method)
  • Executions for Treason – great for drawing the whole community together in fellowship and fear
  • Cathay Style – a form of worship which involves independence from the Pope and consequent freedom to invade and conquer lands far, far away for oneself
  • Royal Weddings – increasing the average number of royal marriages per monarch as these events are hugely popular and therefore great for mission
  • Invading France and/or Scotland – another crowd-pleaser but likely to be used less frequently as the cost of putting on these big outdoor festivals is seldom covered by what is received when the plate is passed round

Not everyone was happy about this initiative, however. His Holiness Pope Clement VII said, “It is typical of the Church in England to pander to modern thinking and popular culture in this manner. It’s political correctness gone mad. They’ll be wanting to appoint women Bishops next.”