The Church of England as been rocked by news that the Ledzeppelin Commission has published a new experimental wording for Stairway to Heaven. The new rite came under scrutiny from the press last week when it was backed by Archbishop Justin Hawkins. Many clerics have been critical of Stairway as it doesn’t speak to the common man. The Bishop of Liverpool, Rt Revd Paul McCartney requested the new wording saying that they now want to use the language of Rhianna rather than The Rolling Stones. “Bands like The Rolling Stones are so out of touch and unpopular in 2014, struggling to fill small pubs and clubs and connect with new audiences” says +Paul.
“You need a serious amount of drugs for the lyrics to make any sense in our urban context” said one cleric. “What does it even me ‘to be a rock and not to roll’ in the twenty first century? 90% of the people who are hearing it for the first time will have no idea what the Ledzeppelin Commission is going on about with this outdated nonsense”.
Traditionalists have been highly critical of the new wording as it removes all mention of Beelzebub and his minion hoards. “In the seventies you knew where you stood” insists Mrs Beamish, a staunch member of the ASB Society. “You stood on a Highway to Hell having Sympathy for the Devil. Now we’re being told that we’re Shining bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, like diamonds in the sky. Where is the poetic beauty that comes from centuries of tradition? Diamonds don’t even shine, they reflect light so it is totally meaningless. In my day we were left winding on down the road with shadows taller than our soul! How can this new baptism rite lead the people of England to the time when all are one and one is all? It is a disgrace and ++Justin should be ashamed of himself. This new fangled rite just leaves us longing for the day we went down to Georgia”.
Anglican Grammarobergruppenführers expressed there exasperation as the OED (the Orthorized Englican Dikshunry) adopted new, voguish words into it’s latest edition. New Christian vocabulary such as apols, shelfie, Phablet, bit-tithe, omnicandles and the controversial term ‘querk’ have made the cut. So, what do these newly-embraced terms mean, innit?
Apols – a low-church term for Prayers of Penitence
Shelfie – a priest’s face Photoshopped into a picture of the Blessed Virgin Mary and kept as a guilty secret on a shelf in they’re study
Phablet – what Anglicans call The Tablet when a trendy Anglican is guest editor
bit-tithe – when online items are donated to support churches (though what St Agnes’s is supposed to do with donated Minecraft blocks, Candycrush lives or invitations to play Bubble Witch Saga is anyone’s guess)
omnicandles – a huge conflagration at Candlemas which could of burnt the church down and to which the emergency services have to be called
Querk – a provocative form of liturgical dance involving quirky genuflections and several Liturgical Errors (made popular by Father Miles O’Sirius at Greenbelt during his popular You Too? Mass)
[Award yourself minus five points for every grammatical error you find it necessary to comment upon in this article]
“I’m sorry… you met me at a very strange time in my life…”
On this day in history, the Supreme Governor of the Church of England, George III, declared the first War on Terror as insurgents attacked British peace-keeping forces in the American colonies following a declaration of treason by fifty six local warlords on July 4th 1776. As bombings, assassinations and civil disobedience escalated, Defender of the Faith King George resisted calls for the British government to withdraw its forces, saying their mission of restoring peace, a well-ordered society and proper use of the English language to the British territories of North America was not yet complete.
Spokesmen for the thirteen rebel tribes claimed that their campaign of terror marked the beginning of an epic ‘war of independence’ which would be celebrated for centuries to come as the dawn of a new democratic age. However, the British army dismissed the claims of these militias, pointing out that the insurgents’ sponsors were the slightly less than democratic Empress Catherine The Great of Russia and Louis XVI of France, and that the colonists were not seeking universal democracy, but merely tax benefits and political power for rich, white males.
King Louis XVI commented, “I am a big fan of zis Independence sing in America. King George… ‘ee needs keepin’ in heez place. I mean, in France we have the amazing ME at ze helm so ze people, zey are perfectly happy, but you haff to laff at ze silly English, letting zair colonies get out of hand simply by not letting zair upper middle classes feel important…” To which King George replied, “Don’t lose your head, Louis.” (which proved somewhat prophetic, as it turned out).
Happy birthday to our US cousins!
Hope you don’t mind a Church of England version of history as it most probably looked from this side of the pond back then…