“We are well-placed to offer this service to clergy who are already giving 100% and feeling desperate,” explained a smiling spokesperson for payday loan company Borrowlotsofdoshwithhardlyanychanceofitspirallingoutofcontrol.com, “and our experience of bleeding people dry will mean that, within a very short space of time, clergy who take up our unique Augmented Priest Regime (APR) programme will soon be giving 4214%.”
The new service had little initial take-up as it turned out that many churches carried on loving each other and seeking God’s guidance as to how to love and serve their communities and preach the Gospel in word and actions together so that nobody had to burn out at all. Which, to the payday loan companies and the financial sector in general, seemed very, very strange indeed.
The Anglican model is slightly different, as the doctrine of Purgatory and Indulgences are among those doctrines which the Church of England has discarded since its break from Rome. However, Archbishop Welby, sensing an opportunity for an easy win to please his home crowd, has ruled that PCC members who follow @ABCJustin or @LambethPalace on Twitter will be able to download a voucher allowing them to leave PCC meetings after the first 90 minutes, even if they are the vicar.
A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “Like the Orthodox Church, we do not have a doctrine of Purgatory in the Church of England. Our official line is that this Roman idea ‘is a fond thing, vainly invented, and grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the Word of God’. However, the Pope’s concept of Twitter-bribes to get his follower count up looked good to us. Who among the Anglican flock has not been trapped in an epic PCC meeting where having what amounts to a ‘Go home or to the pub’ card from the Archbishop of Canterbury would not have been a blessed relief from torment?.”
The BBC’s complaints line was red hot on Comic Relief Day after the Archbishop of Canterbury performed a sketch which comedians believed mocked a well-loved comic creation.
The Archbishop’s Justin English sketch saw Justin Welby posing as an inept member of the British comedy establishment, striding around city centres in the south of England and singularly failing to gurn, not accidentally charming and seducing a female assassin who had been sent to kill him and at no point tripping over into shrubbery in an amusing fashion.
“This was a travesty of one of Rowan Bean’s finest comedy creations,” said a clearly distressed Dawn Dibley, “and I think it is sad that Justin did not think about the many children who would have been watching at that time of the evening before the watershed and who love the Johnny English films which this was obviously intended to lampoon. I mean, Justin didn’t even swear or do any jokes about sex, and as far as some kids are concerned, that’s one of the things they most look forward to on Red Nose Night.”
Minutes after images of the live inauguration of Justin Welby as 105th Archbishop of Canterbury were beamed around the world from St. Paul’s Cathedral, London, Twitter was a-buzz with rumours that the choir had lip-synched the anthem.
As part of the Confirmation of Election service, the choir sang the motet “The Star-mangled Spanner”, a setting of an early 20th-century metaphysical poem which incorporates themes of creation, love, astrophysics and oil exploration. The Director of Music later admitted that the choir’s successful commercial recording of the piece had been used in the service, explaining that “most of the boys were up till four this morning watching the Superbowl and, for some reason, came up with the idea that, since they were all too tired to sing in any case, ‘we might as well just press play and flap our lips’ as they put it.”