Daily Mail accuses Jesus’ Father of hating Britain

ImageThe Daily Mail has caused a self-publicising media-storm by running a piece accusing the Father of Jesus Christ of hating Britain.  The article, which is believed to have been penned under direct instructions from editor Pol Daycare, focused on the writings of the Father’s spokes-prophets which included allegedly anti-Mail British values such as “encouraging mass migration, letting the poor write off their debts every seven years, undertaking large-scale public works, having mercy on widows and orphans, leaving slavery to seek a better life, giving sight to the blind and freeing prisoners.”

Daycare (who is seldom seen in daylight and certainly never on TV) refuted criticism by sending a Crash-Test Deputy Editor to flannel on his behalf on Newsnight. Deputy editor, John Gleeful, stood by the Mail’s story, saying, “The Father clearly shows through His spokes-prophets writings  that British values are things He despises. His chosen people weren’t British for a start, and then there’s this business of 10 Commandments, none of which enshrines the right for the rich to store their money overseas, or for the press to vilify and smear anyone who criticises them. He’s clearly a communist and so we intend to run lots of stories about Stalin’s repression, genocides and terror with the caption ‘Close communist friend of Jesus’ dad’ under them for the rest of the week.”

David Cameron was swift to come to the Heavenly Father’s defence, commenting, “I think the Mail were wrong to attack the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ in this way. Of course, there are many things which Jesus says which reflect the values of his Father and which I might disagree with, but just because there are these awful socialist overtones in their message and that of their spokes-scribes, it doesn’t mean to say any of them hate Britain.  In a Conservative Britain, prophet is not a dirty word.”

Apple tempts with New Product™

The puckered anticipation of Worldwide Geekery was sated today as Apple unveiled its long-anticipated, tempting New Product™

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Presenting the New Product™, Apple executive Phil Snake explained: “we’re still working on the smartwatch version of previous Apples, but frankly they’re still the size of a Blakes 7 communicator, so we decided to make a shinier, superficially improved version of our popular Previous Product™ for pretty much twice the price. Just like last time.”

The New Product™

The Apple 5P™ will tempt consumers much more quickly, offers built-in fingerpointing recognition software (to blame your spouse / a nearby bystander more efficiently) and has had its casing redesigned to offer a curvier, smoother look, with a thinner, tapering shape to make it easier to hold.

Consumer reaction has been mixed. Avid customer Eve Theoikon welcomed the New Product™, saying “Shiny! Shiny thing! My precious! And Candy Crush Saga is preloaded! Let joy be unconfined!” whereas Mr Theoikon commented, “It looks like it’s all gone a bit pear shaped to me.”

10 things Christians should say more often (alternative version)

Inspired by this article, here are the Anglican Memes 10 things Christians should say more often:

1. “Want to come to the pub?” (via @drbattytowers)

2. “Would you like lemon or lime in your Gin and Tonic?”

3. “Please don’t make us sing that action song ever again” (via @raquelita_e)

4. “No, I’m too busy helping the poor to go to that event” (also via @raquelita_e)

5. “There’s no need to bring quiche to the lunch” (via @thealethiophile)

6. “You don’t have to try and eyeball everyone in the church when you say the Grace”

7. “Come and sit next to me on my pew”

8. “I don’t have a clue what’s going on either”

9. “Yes, we serve proper coffee after the service”

10. “Tea and cake?”

Army of Flanders - from Flickr

The Anglican OED adds voguish new words

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Anglican Grammarobergruppenführers expressed there exasperation as the OED (the Orthorized Englican Dikshunry) adopted new, voguish words into it’s latest edition. New Christian vocabulary such as apols, shelfie, Phablet, bit-tithe, omnicandles and the controversial term ‘querk’ have made the cut. So, what do these newly-embraced terms mean, innit?

Apols – a low-church term for Prayers of Penitence

Shelfie – a priest’s face Photoshopped into a picture of  the Blessed Virgin Mary and kept as a guilty secret on a shelf in they’re study

Phablet – what Anglicans call The Tablet when a trendy Anglican is guest editor

bit-tithe – when online items are donated to support churches (though what St Agnes’s is supposed to do with donated Minecraft blocks, Candycrush lives or invitations to play Bubble Witch Saga is anyone’s guess)

omnicandles – a huge conflagration at Candlemas which could of burnt the church down and to which the emergency services have to be called

Querk – a provocative form of liturgical dance involving quirky genuflections and several Liturgical Errors (made popular by Father Miles O’Sirius at Greenbelt during his popular You Too? Mass)

 

 

 [Award yourself minus five points for every grammatical error you find it necessary to comment upon in this article]

Praetorian Guard tweets on Christian arrests #illegalchristians

Following the British Home Office‘s lead, Rome’s Praetorian Guard Twitter account is to highlight arrests of dangerous members of the new cult of Christians using the #illegalchristian hashtag.

Centurion Drusus Grachus said:

“these operations highlight the routine work we are carrying out every day to stamp out illegal meetings in houses where dubious cannibalistic meals take place in the name of captured and executed brigand Jesus of Nazareth. We are sending a clear message to people who choose to harbour these illegal so-called Christians: we will find you and you will pay a heavy penalty.”

The penalties will range from flogging to being thrown to the lions – dependent on the severity of the crime. More lenient sentences will be given to those willing to burn incense in the name of Caesar and deny this dangerous foreign god Jesus.

The Praetorian Guard insisted that plebeians would be pleased to hear that this justice is daily being done in the name of Caesar given the well-founded fears of the dangers of this Christian cult (which attracts women and slaves in huge numbers). Some plebeians argued that their taxes should not be spent on such activities – their twitter accounts will now be monitored for anti-Caesar comments.

The first tweet on the new @praetorian account shared an image of one of those arrested (pictured here below) and stated:

“A suspected Christian arrested at Appian Way Baths – LXII suspected #illegalchristians arrested across Rome today”

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Image via Twitpic

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Here is some useful advice for what you can do if you see someone being subject to one of these UKBA raids including the rights the immigrants have.