Praetorian Guard tweets on Christian arrests #illegalchristians

Following the British Home Office‘s lead, Rome’s Praetorian Guard Twitter account is to highlight arrests of dangerous members of the new cult of Christians using the #illegalchristian hashtag.

Centurion Drusus Grachus said:

“these operations highlight the routine work we are carrying out every day to stamp out illegal meetings in houses where dubious cannibalistic meals take place in the name of captured and executed brigand Jesus of Nazareth. We are sending a clear message to people who choose to harbour these illegal so-called Christians: we will find you and you will pay a heavy penalty.”

The penalties will range from flogging to being thrown to the lions – dependent on the severity of the crime. More lenient sentences will be given to those willing to burn incense in the name of Caesar and deny this dangerous foreign god Jesus.

The Praetorian Guard insisted that plebeians would be pleased to hear that this justice is daily being done in the name of Caesar given the well-founded fears of the dangers of this Christian cult (which attracts women and slaves in huge numbers). Some plebeians argued that their taxes should not be spent on such activities – their twitter accounts will now be monitored for anti-Caesar comments.

The first tweet on the new @praetorian account shared an image of one of those arrested (pictured here below) and stated:

“A suspected Christian arrested at Appian Way Baths – LXII suspected #illegalchristians arrested across Rome today”

Flagellation_St_Erasmus_Crypta_Balbi

Image via Twitpic

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Here is some useful advice for what you can do if you see someone being subject to one of these UKBA raids including the rights the immigrants have.

20 dumb Google searches – according to Anglican Memes website statistics

One of the great things about blogging with WordPress is that you are provided with fascinating statistics on how people find you – the search terms they typed into Google to get to your site.

We have had some weird and wonderful ones this year that we can now share with you. Enjoy!

These are the exact phrases typed into Google:

  1. jokes about canon law

  2. ‘henry viii real?’

  3. is queen elizabeth the second related to the pope?

  4. Bill Oddie Badger

  5. Calvin Klein clerical wear

  6. what to give a priest for tea

  7. silhouette of bishop’s hat

  8. who elects the new queen of england

  9. immoral, impossible, god only knows

  10. is Rowan Atkinson anglican

  11. funeral+tea+bradford

  12. urine cake meme

  13. meme never get cake

  14. paranoid humour

  15. is David Cameron part of the Apocalypse

  16. is brian cox a christian

  17. excuse+to+get+rota+changed

  18. armageddon tea

  19. panic tidying by bishops

  20. tat for clergy

facepalm

Payday loan companies counter ABC with a cunning plan

ImagePayday loan companies have responded to the Archbishop of Canterbury’s challenge to compete them out of business by offering a new service of their own to Church of England clergy. They are offering personal development training to clergy, enabling them to give even more of their time and energy to their ministry.

“We are well-placed to offer this service to clergy who are already giving 100% and feeling desperate,” explained a smiling spokesperson for  payday loan company Borrowlotsofdoshwithhardlyanychanceofitspirallingoutofcontrol.com, “and our experience of bleeding people dry will mean that, within a very short space of time, clergy who take up our unique Augmented Priest Regime (APR) programme will soon be giving 4214%.”

The new service had little initial take-up as it turned out that many churches carried on loving each other and seeking God’s guidance as to how to love and serve their communities and preach the Gospel in word and actions together so that nobody had to burn out at all. Which, to the payday loan companies and the financial sector in general, seemed very, very strange indeed.

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For information about Credit Unions, including how your church might set one up, the Association of British Credit Unions has an informative website.

Pippa Middleton writes guide to the perfect Christening in honour of Royal Prince’s birth

Following on from her wildly successful book Celebrate providing sage advice for all kinds of entertaining, Pippa Middleton, in celebration of her nephew Prince George’s birth is to release a new book entitled ‘Christening‘.

christening PIPPA

Here are some extracts from the upcoming best seller:

  • You can’t book a Christening at a mosque, synagogue or even at the Westfield shopping centre – who knew?
  • If you decide to go for one in an Orthodox church they completely dunk the baby in the font. You have been warned.
  • Choose your Godparents wisely – ensure they have good dress sense and their outfits won’t clash with yours as they will have to stand up and make some statements in front of all your friends and family. They have to say something about believing in God and rejecting Satan (ruling out any Satanist friends for the role).
  • Surprisingly, these days, babies do get their heads a bit wet at Christening services so make sure you remove any adorable little bonnet you have bought.
  • Ask your friendly vicar if it is possible to do a flash mob in the church as part of the ceremony. Splish splash I was taking a bath by Bobby Darin is a popular choice.
  • Check with the vicar that they know how to pronounce the name of your baby. If they get it wrong in the ceremony that is then the way the name must be pronounced for time immemorial.
  • Make sure you save the certificate for that all-important school application.
  • It is considered bad luck for the baby to be sick on the vicar.
  • In honour of John the Baptist it is really ‘in’ to serve locusts and wild honey at your reception party. These can be bought at your local Whole Foods store.

Christening by Pippa Middleton will be available at all good book retailers soon.

Forelock-tugging: a handy guide

According to press reports, politicians, columnists, ad agencies and Tweeters worldwide are frantically tugging their forelocks in honour of the newest member of the British royal family. Anglicanmemes provides this handy guide

1. What and where is my forelock?

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2. How do I tug my forelock?

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3. What do I do if I damage my forelock due to over-tugging?

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Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening…

July 23rd 2013

As many parts of the UK were hit by epic thunderstorms, theories about their cause have varied. Some have laid the blame squarely on the atmospheric conditions brought on by hot weather, while others have been quick to ascribe the storms to God’s wrath as a result of equal marriage, immigration, benefit claimants or badger culling.

It was, however, suggested by a spokesperson of Church House that the reason for the throbbing bass, dazzling light display, Gothic colour scheme and crackling atmosphere is simply that God loves rock and roll.

queenstorm“The thunderstorms are, in fact, a tribute to it being the 40th Anniversary this month of the release of Queen’s debut album,” explained the spokesperson, “plus today sees the birthdays of Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash (1965), Megadeth drummer Nick Menza (1964)  and Destiny’s Child’s  Michelle Williams (1980). And it is surely no accident that July also sees the anniversary of the birth of the undisputed godfather of heavy metal: Gustav Mahler in 1860.”

However, the spokesperson was swiftly whisked away by concerned-looking clergy, one of whom commented, “Our colleague was left fully robed and unattended in a modern chapel with lots of glass walls over the weekend and is clearly not quite himself.”

Baby Cambridge gives his 1st interview

ImageThe newly-born son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, who is third in line to become Supreme Governor of the Church of England, has already caused controversy in his first interview for BBC Radio 4’s Today Programme.

Asked first about whether he would mind a female Archbishop of Canterbury presiding at his coronation, he blinked and gurgled.

Next, the young prince was asked whether he might marry a man and whether this might cause a constitutional crisis, to which he farted, moistly.

Finally, the baby was asked about what he thought the most important thing was he could bring to the Church of England. To which, he simply lay down, fell asleep and, in so doing, reminded the interviewer that he was, after all, just another child like you or me, wonderfully made in the image of God.

Church of England launches heatwave advice

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Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.

Extracts from the manual:

  • Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
  • Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
  • Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
  • Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
  • Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash

The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.

ABC to follow Pontiff’s lead and offer Twitter indulgences

ImageThe Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has followed the lead of Pope Francis in offering indulgences for those who follow him on Twitter. There was widespread head-scratching earlier in the week at the announcement by the Vatican that the Papal court handling pardons for sins had ruled that contrite Catholics could gain ‘indulgences’ by following World Youth Day on Twitter.

The Anglican model is slightly different, as the doctrine of Purgatory and Indulgences are among those doctrines which the Church of England has discarded since its break from Rome. However, Archbishop Welby, sensing an opportunity for an easy win to please his home crowd, has ruled that PCC members who follow @ABCJustin or @LambethPalace on Twitter will be able to download a voucher allowing them to leave PCC meetings after the first 90 minutes, even if they are the vicar.

A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “Like the Orthodox Church, we do not have a doctrine of Purgatory in the Church of England. Our official line is that this Roman idea ‘is a fond thing, vainly invented, and grounded upon no warranty of Scripture, but rather repugnant to the Word of God’. However, the Pope’s concept of Twitter-bribes to get his follower count up looked good to us. Who among the Anglican flock has not been trapped in an epic PCC meeting where having what amounts to a ‘Go home or to the pub’ card from the Archbishop of Canterbury would not have been a blessed relief from torment?.”

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to sue David Cameron

In a shock move, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse today launched a court case against David Cameron’s government claiming they are attempting to privatise their industries and completely undermining the dramatic impact of their plans for the End Times.

My Little 4 Horsemen

The Four Horsemen fear the government is steaing the thunder of their plans for the Apocalypse

A spokesperson for the horsemen (St. John the Divine who wrote their biography in his book Revelation some years ago) explained, “The boys are upset. For millennia they have been a watchword for the end times, as harbingers of the Day of Judgement. Now, each of them has identified ways in which the current UK government is seeking to privatise their unique area of operations.

Pestilence is cross that the government’s surreptitious privatisation of the NHS will make his grand finale of epidemics lose dramatic impact. What will be the point of unleashing an unstoppable and hideous pandemic if the UK has already reverted to 19th century models of access to healthcare?

Famine is aghast that the social security system has been undermined to the extent that food banks are having to be set up to feed those whose employers do not pay a living wage, or who are unemployed. Where’s the fun in unleashing plagues of locusts if the government is already starving the poor and vulnerable?

Death is horrified by the machinations of the Department of Work and Pensions which are systematically euthanising the disabled and those with degenerative, chronic, or terminal illnesses. He claims this takes all the fun and challenge out of his job. And War was already upset that Mr Cameron was spending so much time openly marketing the UK arms industry while Mr Hague seeks to help get even more arms into unstable regions of the Middle East – these things have always happened with governments but they are supposed to be a guilty secret, not something to brag about. It is making a mockery of the whole Harbinger of the Apocalypse brand when they do it so brazenly!”

“These bozos are undoing the whole drama of Armageddon.” said Pestilence, “We’d been enjoying watching humankind attempt to alleviate war, famine, disease, conquest and death, and especially in the UK where a lot of them had been having a good crack at it since 1945 – that kind of thing makes an ideal dramatic canvas for the overwhelmingly destructive devastation of the Apocalypse. But now… the whole show will lose impact. These people have no soul.”

War, however, remained the most philosophical of the group, “Thankfully,” he said, “the UK is just one small part of the globe. We have plenty of other projects on the go in our various areas of operations elsewhere. It’s just that we had high hopes that the home of Shakespeare, Chaucer and Pratchett would have a greater sense of theatre about the End of Days than this. We’re not so much angry as… disappointed in them.”

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Footnote:

For information and background on the policies which are so upsetting the Four Horsemen, you might like to check out the following links (usual disclaimer about Anglicanmemes not being responsible for the content of external sites obviously applies):

The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks about Foodbanks and the government’s derogatory language about people living in poverty.

Church Action of Poverty – information about many poverty-related issues in the UK

War on Welfare campaign – which calls for a Cumulative Impact Assessment of Welfare Reform, and a New Deal for sick & disabled people based on their needs, abilities and ambitions

NHS Support Federation –  an independent pressure group that campaigns to protect and improve the NHS, true to its founding principles, a voluntary organisation, funded by supporters from the health professions and the general public.

Save the NHS petition – via 38Degrees

Stop the Arms Fair – campaign against London’s arms trade fair 2013.