Church calls for calm as national media predict Apocalyptic conditions in southern Britain

ImageThe Church of England called for calm as commentators in the national media whipped up fears that the Apocalypse was imminent for parts of Britain today.

As BBC Breakfast News warned of the moon turning to blood and the sun turning black and the Daily Mail warned of vials of the wrath of God and Lakes of Fire affecting house prices, the Church of England defiantly continued to say daily prayers, serve people lovingly and attempt to be good news in every community in the country.

“We have seen portents of the end times pretty much for ever,” explained one country vicar, Reverend John Elation, “and we’ve found the best approach generally is to trust in the Lord and get on with the job. I’m not going to abandon Matins to hold a special Service of Annihilation just because Lorraine Kelly said we ought to.”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, criticised the Church’s response, saying “There is clearly a reason to panic and the media are quite correct to run saturation coverage of “less-than-bland” weather if it keeps the start of the Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson trial or the shambolic DWP making disabled people’s lives harder out of the headlines. People who are worried that their homes and loved ones may be put in peril by the forthcoming apocalyptic conditions should pop overseas to whichever tax haven they keep their money in for the duration.”

Rev. Elation remained unconvinced, however, pointing out that “in the Bible, the messengers of the apocalypse are generally angels.”

New Atheists launch basics course to rival C of E’s Pilgrim


In response to the launch of the Church of England’s new Pilgrim course – intended to help people explore the Christian faith – a group of self-styled New Atheists have set up a rival basics course.

The Grim Pillock course is designed to help people who have vague feelings that, as reasonably liberal people, they really ought to be atheists, just like the mainstream media tell them they should be, but are not sure how to become a frothing caricature of one (aka a grim pillock) online.

Course author, Rick Radishwand, says the aim of the course is to help people who might fill in “none” in the religion box in a census to really commit to being a recognisable New Atheist online. Modules include:

  • how to sound like someone’s bitter Great Great Great Aunt on Twitter
  • how to aggressively attack, belittle and abuse followers of particular religions whilst deluding yourself that this is consistent with being a liberal, loving member of the brotherhood of all people
  • how to insist on holding all arguments comfortably within your own assumptions and terms of reference when you find yourself out of your depth with a philosophical or theological thinker
  • how to blame all belief of all kinds when someone of faith says something daft or does something bad
  • straw man argument construction
  • how to pick on a Twitter opponent who is not your intellectual peer in order to appear bright

A spokesperson for the Church of England said, “We’re pleased that the New Atheists are putting this information out there. It certainly helps explain their approach online and the behaviour of some of their high-profile members. We hope it will therefore encourage atheists, don’t knows and vaguely interesteds who don’t want to look like a Grim Pillock online to come along to a Pilgrim course where they can find out what Christians actually believe.”

The best of #awkwardanglican – sorry, I’m C of E

I posted this article yesterday and I was overwhelmed by the response! A huge number seemed to centre on administering/receiving communion, climbing up the inside of cassocks and problems in reading and intercessions. After a while it did tend towards a confessional feel!

Here is a collection of some of the best awkward anglican situations shared online.

Shared in the comments:

From David Hartley:

Turning the page and realising the reading you’ve just been given isn’t the one you’d practiced.

From Faith, Hope, Chocolate:

Keeping a straight face when the elderly, deaf lady next to you is singing loudly.
Turning up in habit/clerical gear when everyone else is in mufti.
Realising during the collect that you’re reading the lesson and the book is still in the Sacristy, and having to go and get it.
Not being sure where to go during the procession – and you’re thurifer.
The thurifer accidentally hitting the priest on the head when censing him/her.
The thurible tangling itself in its chains mid-swing and spilling its contents on the carpet.

Comments on Twitter:

After the Royal Mail, Church of England is next to be privatised

Following the rousing success of selling the Royal Mail at a loss (whilst keeping the liability of employee pensions in the public sector), the Chancellor of the Exchequer announced that the Church of England is also to be put into the private sector.

ImageGeorge Osborne’s close friends have been urging him for some time to make the more profitable parts of the Anglican Church available to investors, and so, to sate their need for taking things of value and converting them into mere money, the Chancellor will be flogging off parts of the Church of England in several tranches over the coming months:

  • All silver and gold goblets, plates, candlesticks and other items to be privatised at half their scrap metal value
  • Cathedrals will be sold off as heritage centres, museums of generalised spirituality, or private homes to the more gothically-minded of Gideon’s chums
  • Village churches will be available for purchase as private residences, allowing those who hate churches but insist on buying rectories which are disturbingly close to noise nuisance belltowers, organs and Sunday morning congregations to go one better and neutralise the whole annoying village church malarkey altogether
  • General Synod will be sold off as a reality TV format
  • Clergy pensions will stay in the public sector, but individual deacons and priests will be sold off to the private sector. They will still be bookable by members of the public to officiate at church services, assemblies, blessings and to offer private prayer but this will have to be done via call centres run by whichever merchant bank successfully buys the national stock of Anglican clergy
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury will be privatised as an after-dinner speaker

A spokesperson for the God, St Peter, said, “May your money perish with you, because you thought you could buy the gift of God with money”

Daily Mail accuses Jesus’ Father of hating Britain

ImageThe Daily Mail has caused a self-publicising media-storm by running a piece accusing the Father of Jesus Christ of hating Britain.  The article, which is believed to have been penned under direct instructions from editor Pol Daycare, focused on the writings of the Father’s spokes-prophets which included allegedly anti-Mail British values such as “encouraging mass migration, letting the poor write off their debts every seven years, undertaking large-scale public works, having mercy on widows and orphans, leaving slavery to seek a better life, giving sight to the blind and freeing prisoners.”

Daycare (who is seldom seen in daylight and certainly never on TV) refuted criticism by sending a Crash-Test Deputy Editor to flannel on his behalf on Newsnight. Deputy editor, John Gleeful, stood by the Mail’s story, saying, “The Father clearly shows through His spokes-prophets writings  that British values are things He despises. His chosen people weren’t British for a start, and then there’s this business of 10 Commandments, none of which enshrines the right for the rich to store their money overseas, or for the press to vilify and smear anyone who criticises them. He’s clearly a communist and so we intend to run lots of stories about Stalin’s repression, genocides and terror with the caption ‘Close communist friend of Jesus’ dad’ under them for the rest of the week.”

David Cameron was swift to come to the Heavenly Father’s defence, commenting, “I think the Mail were wrong to attack the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ in this way. Of course, there are many things which Jesus says which reflect the values of his Father and which I might disagree with, but just because there are these awful socialist overtones in their message and that of their spokes-scribes, it doesn’t mean to say any of them hate Britain.  In a Conservative Britain, prophet is not a dirty word.”

Apple tempts with New Product™

The puckered anticipation of Worldwide Geekery was sated today as Apple unveiled its long-anticipated, tempting New Product™


Presenting the New Product™, Apple executive Phil Snake explained: “we’re still working on the smartwatch version of previous Apples, but frankly they’re still the size of a Blakes 7 communicator, so we decided to make a shinier, superficially improved version of our popular Previous Product™ for pretty much twice the price. Just like last time.”

The New Product™

The Apple 5P™ will tempt consumers much more quickly, offers built-in fingerpointing recognition software (to blame your spouse / a nearby bystander more efficiently) and has had its casing redesigned to offer a curvier, smoother look, with a thinner, tapering shape to make it easier to hold.

Consumer reaction has been mixed. Avid customer Eve Theoikon welcomed the New Product™, saying “Shiny! Shiny thing! My precious! And Candy Crush Saga is preloaded! Let joy be unconfined!” whereas Mr Theoikon commented, “It looks like it’s all gone a bit pear shaped to me.”

10 things Christians should say more often (alternative version)

Inspired by this article, here are the Anglican Memes 10 things Christians should say more often:

1. “Want to come to the pub?” (via @drbattytowers)

2. “Would you like lemon or lime in your Gin and Tonic?”

3. “Please don’t make us sing that action song ever again” (via @raquelita_e)

4. “No, I’m too busy helping the poor to go to that event” (also via @raquelita_e)

5. “There’s no need to bring quiche to the lunch” (via @thealethiophile)

6. “You don’t have to try and eyeball everyone in the church when you say the Grace”

7. “Come and sit next to me on my pew”

8. “I don’t have a clue what’s going on either”

9. “Yes, we serve proper coffee after the service”

10. “Tea and cake?”

Army of Flanders - from Flickr

The Anglican OED adds voguish new words


Anglican Grammarobergruppenführers expressed there exasperation as the OED (the Orthorized Englican Dikshunry) adopted new, voguish words into it’s latest edition. New Christian vocabulary such as apols, shelfie, Phablet, bit-tithe, omnicandles and the controversial term ‘querk’ have made the cut. So, what do these newly-embraced terms mean, innit?

Apols – a low-church term for Prayers of Penitence

Shelfie – a priest’s face Photoshopped into a picture of  the Blessed Virgin Mary and kept as a guilty secret on a shelf in they’re study

Phablet – what Anglicans call The Tablet when a trendy Anglican is guest editor

bit-tithe – when online items are donated to support churches (though what St Agnes’s is supposed to do with donated Minecraft blocks, Candycrush lives or invitations to play Bubble Witch Saga is anyone’s guess)

omnicandles – a huge conflagration at Candlemas which could of burnt the church down and to which the emergency services have to be called

Querk – a provocative form of liturgical dance involving quirky genuflections and several Liturgical Errors (made popular by Father Miles O’Sirius at Greenbelt during his popular You Too? Mass)



 [Award yourself minus five points for every grammatical error you find it necessary to comment upon in this article]