C of E Vocations office gives Part-Time Presidency idea a cautious welcome

The Vocations department of the Church of England has congratulated the United States of America for taking the bold step of appointing its first part-time President.

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Mr Trump indicates the amount of time he is available to do the actual Presiding thing.

“Here in the Church of England we have for many years had part-time clergy, which we now refer to as Self-Supporting Ministers,” explains Canon Dirk Otterly, Tweaker of Vocations Spreadsheets at Church House. “We find that they bring a wealth of experience from a variety of fields, though few have Mr. Trump’s rather unique track record and even fewer are prepared to attack and mock specific minority groups within their parishes to firm up their PCC’s support.  The United States is to be commended for this bold step of letting someone so emotionally fragile take on such a role. Their idea of letting him carry on working for himself pretty much as he did before and limiting his duties to just Presiding now and again when he’s not busy is similar to how many of our own part-time clergy are used.”

Mr Trump tweeted “I thank the Church of England bigly for pioneering part-time Presidency. Smart.”

The Church of England prays daily that God would give wisdom to all in authority. No exceptions.

Pokemon Go! in Peace

The General Synod of the Church of England has decided to invest its clergy pension fund in an unorthodox manner. Senior Church Commissioner, Dame Nina Tendo explains, “We have arranged to set up a ring-fenced fund which invests solely in a free-to-play, augmented reality mobile game, in return for the placing of prime gameplay characters in Anglican real-estate on a one-day-in-seven basis.”

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Renew, Reform and Level Up!

But not all members of the Synod backed the scheme. Reverend Tiffany Facebook-Friend was aghast, “So… we’re basically bribing Niantic Inc to put rare Pokémon ポケモン in churches on Sunday mornings as part of the UK roll-out of Pokémon Go!  simply to get people into Sunday services? That can’t be an appropriate mission strategy, surely?”

However, congregationalist reformers within the church, such as Pastor Paul Renewal praised the scheme, pointing out that, “‘Gotta catch ’em all’ is the kind of vision the church should be embracing. OK, it does make us look like we’re obsessed with getting folk through the door and having a fun experience rather than wanting them to actually turn to Christ, but attendance figures are where it’s at. That’s the game the media play, so… what can ya do? We can try to reinvent Jesus as a Trainer I guess… and an electoral roll is kinda like a Poké Ball モンスターボール if you squint at it a bit.”

Pikachu ピカチュウ was unavailable for comment but is believed to be a highly-evolved Methodist church mouse who will become an Anglo-Catholic on exposure to a Thunder Stone. Or incense crystals.

JC fails to step down

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In the wake of a series of high-profile resignations in the UK, Jesus Christ has failed to step down as Head of the Church of England.  Pressure had been mounting on the Son of God to “do the decent thing” and “get on with his [eternal] life” following aggressive reports about the failure of the Church of England to gain support in opinion polls.

After a week or so of steppings-down, including the UK’s Prime Minister and Renowned Cockwomble David Cameron, UKIP Leader Nigel Farage, Top Gear Shoutmeister Chris Evans, England Kick-a-ball Supremo Roy Hodgson and Brexit Lie-meister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the Church of England might have seemed an unlikely target for a fresh expression of national exasperation with leadership.

But while grassroots members of the Church of England were still overwhelmingly supportive of JC’s headship of the Church Universal, rumours have been circulating that a splinter group of General Synod members were blaming JC for a lack of leadership, being insufficiently able to engage with the right wing media, not being willing to share a platform with the powers and dominions of this present darkness, and having a beard.

Despite the muttering campaign, however, while politicians come and go,  JC remains in place, not only as head of the Church, but also its cornerstone.

Leicester Cathedral revise Richard III’s tomb design to appease Yorkshire

Leicester Cathedral revise Richard III's tomb design to appease Yorkshire

The new design of the tomb of Richard III recalls the son of York’s famous love of Wensleydale cheese. It is modelled on a cheese slicer found on an archaeological dig at Middleham Castle, Richard’s home in Yorkshire.

Intriguingly, it rests on a plinth modelled on the Kindle Fire case design. An historian explains, “King Richard was a thrifty monarch, well-known for his practice of selling army surplus after campaigns, especially the canvas and poles used for sheltering the troops. We are sure that, had he lived today, King Richard would have used a Kindle Fire to trade these goods on Amazon, using his trademark sales pitch “Now is the Kindle of our discount tents”.

Archbishop Abandons the Stairway to Heaven

The Church of England as been rocked by news that the Ledzeppelin Commission has published a new experimental wording for Stairway to Heaven. The new rite came under scrutiny from the press last week when it was backed by Archbishop Justin Hawkins. Many clerics have been critical of Stairway as it doesn’t speak to the common man. The Bishop of Liverpool, Rt Revd Paul McCartney requested the new wording saying that they now want to use the language of Rhianna rather than The Rolling Stones. “Bands like The Rolling Stones are so out of touch and unpopular in 2014, struggling to fill small pubs and clubs and connect with new audiences” says +Paul.

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“You need a serious amount of drugs for the lyrics to make any sense in our urban context” said one cleric. “What does it even me ‘to be a rock and not to roll’ in the twenty first century? 90% of the people who are hearing it for the first time will have no idea what the Ledzeppelin Commission is going on about with this outdated nonsense”.

Traditionalists have been highly critical of the new wording as it removes all mention of Beelzebub and his minion hoards. “In the seventies you knew where you stood” insists Mrs Beamish, a staunch member of the ASB Society. “You stood on a Highway to Hell having Sympathy for the Devil. Now we’re being told that we’re Shining bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, bright like a diamond, like diamonds in the sky. Where is the poetic beauty that comes from centuries of tradition? Diamonds don’t even shine, they reflect light so it is totally meaningless. In my day we were left winding on down the road with shadows taller than our soul! How can this new baptism rite lead the people of England to the time when all are one and one is all? It is a disgrace and ++Justin should be ashamed of himself. This new fangled rite just leaves us longing for the day we went down to Georgia”.

Lord Carey to feature in Cameron’s Thatcher Museum

ImageIt emerged today that former Archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey, is to be placed as an exhibit in David Cameron’s 15 million pound, tax-payer funded Museum of Thatcher.

“Basically, the Church of England had a whip round and raised a suitably eye-watering sum to grab the attention of the government.”, explained a Church House spokesperson, “It wasn’t hard to persuade lots of our members to contribute significant sums of money, even in these austere times. We simply pointed out to members of the C of E that if Carey was sounding off among the kinds of Daily Mail reader types who will actually go to the Thatcher Museum, he wouldn’t be shooting his mouth off at inopportune moments in the Britain which the rest of us have to inhabit. So we can get on with trying to be a Christian presence in every community, proclaiming the Gospel in a variety of ways, being Church as authentically as God has equipped us to be without Carey distracting the media – or us – from the tasks in hand.”