Church of England clergy have all been delighted to be invited by their Archbishops to hold special Brexit tea parties over the Mothering Sunday weekend at less than a fortnight´s notice.
A double espresso, yesterday
“Having been forbidden, along with the majority of clergy, from public jubilation when General Synod announced that women were allowed to be bishops to the delight of most of the nation, when we would gladly have hosted nationwide gin and sausage-butty parties to embrace people on all sides of the debate,” commented the Venerable Sam McAndrodgynous-Forename,
“it might be viewed by some to be ironic that clergy are now being actively encouraged to celebrate a turn of events which literally nobody in the country actually seems to want.”
While some churches may well try valiantly to get the warring factions of the Brexit debate together over a cuppa almost exactly three years too late, most are simply spending the next few weeks limbering up to meet the needs of those whose lives will be turned upside down in the wake of the current political omnishamblery, whilst fasting, praying, giving to charity and serving others as they prepare to recall events of yesteryear in Jerusalem which involved a hapless political leader following the will of the people before washing his hands of the whole affair.
So, last week the new Bishop of Sheffield was announced. What this actually precipitated was the most creative burst of episcopally related shenanigans on Twitter that we’ve ever seen from @fictionfox (who happens to be married to the bishop-designate of Sheffield).
Here are some of her best tweets.
It started with this very niche joke (if you don’t get it, look up the name of the last bishop of Sheffield):
Then contemplating becoming a Bishop’s Wife:
With a confession we were delighted to see:
And then Catherine discovered the wonderfully arcane world of episcopal clothing and accessories and the fun really began:
Then she asked:
Of course not!
And he’s not even been consecrated yet! We can’t wait to see the tweets from Bishopscroft (sorry, should that be Bishopswilcox?) from our new favourite bishop’s wife.
Follow the wonderful @fictionfox on Twitter for more episcopal fun.
The Vocations department of the Church of England has congratulated the United States of America for taking the bold step of appointing its first part-time President.
Mr Trump indicates the amount of time he is available to do the actual Presiding thing.
“Here in the Church of England we have for many years had part-time clergy, which we now refer to as Self-Supporting Ministers,” explains Canon Dirk Otterly, Tweaker of Vocations Spreadsheets at Church House. “We find that they bring a wealth of experience from a variety of fields, though few have Mr. Trump’s rather unique track record and even fewer are prepared to attack and mock specific minority groups within their parishes to firm up their PCC’s support. The United States is to be commended for this bold step of letting someone so emotionally fragile take on such a role. Their idea of letting him carry on working for himself pretty much as he did before and limiting his duties to just Presiding now and again when he’s not busy is similar to how many of our own part-time clergy are used.”
Mr Trump tweeted “I thank the Church of England bigly for pioneering part-time Presidency. Smart.”
The Church of England prays daily that God would give wisdom to all in authority. No exceptions.
The General Synod of the Church of England has decided to invest its clergy pension fund in an unorthodox manner. Senior Church Commissioner, Dame Nina Tendo explains, “We have arranged to set up a ring-fenced fund which invests solely in a free-to-play, augmented reality mobile game, in return for the placing of prime gameplay characters in Anglican real-estate on a one-day-in-seven basis.”
Renew, Reform and Level Up!
But not all members of the Synod backed the scheme. Reverend Tiffany Facebook-Friend was aghast, “So… we’re basically bribing Niantic Inc to put rare Pokémon ポケモン in churches on Sunday mornings as part of the UK roll-out of Pokémon Go! simply to get people into Sunday services? That can’t be an appropriate mission strategy, surely?”
However, congregationalist reformers within the church, such as Pastor Paul Renewal praised the scheme, pointing out that, “‘Gotta catch ’em all’ is the kind of vision the church should be embracing. OK, it does make us look like we’re obsessed with getting folk through the door and having a fun experience rather than wanting them to actually turn to Christ, but attendance figures are where it’s at. That’s the game the media play, so… what can ya do? We can try to reinvent Jesus as a Trainer I guess… and an electoral roll is kinda like a Poké Ball モンスターボール if you squint at it a bit.”
Pikachu ピカチュウ was unavailable for comment but is believed to be a highly-evolved Methodist church mouse who will become an Anglo-Catholic on exposure to a Thunder Stone. Or incense crystals.
In the wake of a series of high-profile resignations in the UK, Jesus Christ has failed to step down as Head of the Church of England. Pressure had been mounting on the Son of God to “do the decent thing” and “get on with his [eternal] life” following aggressive reports about the failure of the Church of England to gain support in opinion polls.
After a week or so of steppings-down, including the UK’s Prime Minister and Renowned Cockwomble David Cameron, UKIP Leader Nigel Farage, Top Gear Shoutmeister Chris Evans, England Kick-a-ball Supremo Roy Hodgson and Brexit Lie-meister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the Church of England might have seemed an unlikely target for a fresh expression of national exasperation with leadership.
But while grassroots members of the Church of England were still overwhelmingly supportive of JC’s headship of the Church Universal, rumours have been circulating that a splinter group of General Synod members were blaming JC for a lack of leadership, being insufficiently able to engage with the right wing media, not being willing to share a platform with the powers and dominions of this present darkness, and having a beard.
Despite the muttering campaign, however, while politicians come and go, JC remains in place, not only as head of the Church, but also its cornerstone.
The people at Anglicanmemes Towers noticed that a photo of a pewslip-brag about how welcoming a church is to small children was appearing in lots of Facebook timelines and Tweets. We liked it. But we thought there should be one for a different demographic as well….
The new design of the tomb of Richard III recalls the son of York’s famous love of Wensleydale cheese. It is modelled on a cheese slicer found on an archaeological dig at Middleham Castle, Richard’s home in Yorkshire.
Intriguingly, it rests on a plinth modelled on the Kindle Fire case design. An historian explains, “King Richard was a thrifty monarch, well-known for his practice of selling army surplus after campaigns, especially the canvas and poles used for sheltering the troops. We are sure that, had he lived today, King Richard would have used a Kindle Fire to trade these goods on Amazon, using his trademark sales pitch “Now is the Kindle of our discount tents”.