After the successes of Strictly Come Dancing and The Great British Bake Off, the commissioning toddlers at the BBC have unveiled their new line-up for Sunday evening alleged-celebrity-packed shows to replace Songs of Praise.

As is widely known, the commissioning toddlers create new BBC shows by collecting brightly coloured bricks with words from titles of previous shows, celebrity names and other random names, nouns and words which rhyme with other bricks, and arranging them on a sleeping dog. If the words make any kind of sense, obviously they are discarded, but the system has worked well so far, resulting in Last of the Summer Whine (elderly people competitively writing letters of complaint to national newspapers to see who gets published the most), Inspect Em, ‘orse! (celebrities are judged by smell by a panel of thoroughbred horses, the winner being allowed to ride one through the streets of Oxford to the backing of music by Barrington Pheloung), and Gnomes Under the Harmer (Tracy Beaker actress, Dani Harmer, attacks celebrities’ garden ornaments following a live public phone vote).

This brilliant commissioning system has now thrown up (sic) Sunday evening entertainment to replace BBC Religion’s flagship Songs of Praise programme:

At 6pm comes a new reality show. Snogs of Greys revives the Blind Date format adapted to feature only retired clergy to the sound of the bottom of an aluminium barrel being scraped. Reverends Richard Coles and Kate Bottley host the show live.

This is followed by a new, classic drama series at 7pm. At Land? ‘Tis! is a scripting car-crash of Greek myth and Old Testament tales. This costume drama follows the voyage of Noah as he takes a huge wooden horse filled with animals on a voyage to the Underworld, stopping off en route for adventures at a number of islands with his talking unicorn, Perseus, with often hilarious results. Loosely based on 1980s comedy, Duty Free.

This goes on for a desperate, desperate 90 minutes and is followed at 8.30pm by Monty Python’s Crying Twerk Bus which features a light-hearted, multi-faith discussion of emotive and complex issues chaired by John Cleese on a London bus as it is driven around needlessly exotic locations by Dara O’Briain who chats amiably to a twerking Deborah Meaden, while…. pffthhhhhkkkk….

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