Following several days without bitter cold or rain, and with summer temperatures being sustained for more than three days of summer, the Church of England has launched a manual of advice for coping with unAnglican forms of summer weather.
Extracts from the manual:
- Clergy are advised to brag on Twitter about how cool their churches remain, despite it being up in the 80s or 90s outside.
- Full vestments must continue to be worn. However, a training video has been made available on Youtube in which Revd Kate Bottley demonstrates forms of liturgical dance designed to waft breezes up appropriate openings throughout the service
- Sources of heat in church such as candles, computers, projectors and menopausal readers are to be kept locked in the vestry for the duration
- Clergy are discouraged from preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons and from using ‘the exploding orb of nuclear fusion in the sky’ as a visual aid in this regard
- Coffee after the service is to be replaced by Pimms, gin & tonics or very weak orange squash
The manual is only available online as it is not expected to be required very often. However, the far more popular tract “Water: how to stem its flow into your church from all directions” continues to be a bestseller.