Fergie tries on a mitre for size and is perplexed to discover that his head is not big enough.

In a move which has left many confused, Sir Alex Ferguson has been appointed Bishop of Durham following his retirement from Manchester United after 26 years. Enabled by a special emergency Act of Synod, Sir Alex becomes the first non-ordained person to be appointed to the Episcopate of the Church of England.  A spokesperson for the Crown Appointments Commission explained, “All the people we were initially considering for the See of Durham were women, and obviously that’s still a no-no. However, Sir Alex is male and has an amazingly successful track record in taking an organisation to peak performance, so we hope that he will lead the Church of England to higher attendance figures, fewer own goals, international missional successes and making General Synod’s vigourous discussions a lot more er… colourful.”

Real Madrid manager José Mourinho’s announcement that he is to be the new Bishop of Manchester has, however, been denied by the Church of England and seems to be down to Mourinho’s translator having a mischievous sense of humour.