Professor Brian Cox rides to the Rescue of Women Bishops


Cox’s Large Hadron Cloister may cause a black hole into which the Church of England may disappear without trace.

An unlikely solution to the stand0ff over women bishops emerged yesterday following the unexpected intervention of Professor Brian Cox.

The particle physicist, despite being an ardent atheist, agreed to come to the Church of England’s aid for the sake of science. Following his work at CERN, Cox has now developed  a Large Hadron Cloister at a secret Cathedral location in the UK (pictured). Whereas CERN’s celebrated Large Hadron Collider was devised to explore miniscule particles of energy such as the Higgs Boson and Shatner’s Bassoon, Cox’s new apparatus is designed to solve the General Synod’s knotty problem of female episcopal oversight by creating Schrödinger’s Bishop.

“It’s amazing nobody has thought of this before,” explained Professor Cox, “but by devising an experiment in which a female priest is placed with a mitre, an Archbishop and a crozier in a sealed box then bombarding her with subatomic particles, using the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, we could create a female priest who is, simultaneously, a bishop and not a bishop. Just as Schrödinger’s cat was both dead and alive until the box was opened, the priest is both a bishop and not a bishop until the box is opened.”

However, opponents of women bishops and human rights organisations have rejected Cox’s plan. The former claimed that even a Schrödinger’s bishop would be unacceptable to them as the Archbishop concerned would be tainted by his possible consecration of a woman. The latter were more concerned by the lack of airholes in the box.

14 thoughts on “Professor Brian Cox rides to the Rescue of Women Bishops

    • Correct! You have won a Schrödinger’s sticky bun. Obviously I can’t actually give this to you as it only exists theoretically.

    • Glad to see a good Guildford showing among the commenters here – I’m a BMus (Hons) Guildford myself…

  1. This is going to save the Church of England lots of money. As Schrödinger’s bishop will be able to exist at two, geographically distant, confirmation services at the same time, or be at the mayor’s reception whilst simultaneously standing in the House of Lords’ cocktail lounge sipping Margaritas, they will be no further need for all those suffragan and assistant bishops. We’re going to be quids in.

  2. What is more, if we can create a Schrödinger’s archbishop he could travel the world telling other provinces to behave themselves whilst, at the same time, remain in England doing the job we pay him to do.

  3. Excellent ideas here! And perhaps, if the experiment is perfected, we could have an Archbishop that is both male and female at the same time. That would solve it …

  4. So it’s clearly time for a table of subatomic church particles. Let’s make a start:

    Quarks (1):
    charmed: Anglo-Catholic celebrant who knows what he is doing
    strange: Anglo-Catholic celebrant who thinks he knows what he is doing
    up: high-church
    down: low-church
    bottom: (theoretical) what an archbishop should be in the particle table
    top: (observed) what an archbishop actually is in the particle table

    Quarks (2): Provide psalms and hymns, but definitely NOT sonks.
    Orgon: Concordant binding for quarks(2).

    Neutron: Fresh Expressions.
    Lepton: A bandwagon for neutrons (q.v.).

    Meson: Small furry church animals (“the church meson were chased by the church caton”)

    Pion: Energy source for gatherings of particles, the crumbs of which are later consumed by the church mesons (q.v.).

    Electron: How PCC members are chosen
    Anti-electron: How General Synod members are chosen

    Vocation: A particle surrounded by an unexplained aura
    Vacation: What a Vocation does from Monday to Saturday

    Deacon: The world has A-list, B-list and C-list particles; the church has D-cons.
    Archdeacon: Exemplary D-con; intrinsically a heavy Vocation.

    Bishon: a superheavy Vocation.
    Chaplon: A Vocation confined in a strange state
    Gluon: A sycophantic Chaplon paired with a Bishon.

    Baryon: As the name implies, eligible to become a Bishon (q.v.) under transformation
    Sallyon: Ineligible to become a Bishon.
    Carryon: The unending process to investigate Sallyon/Bishon transformation.

    Boson: a particle of opposite theological spin
    Gauge boson: Gauge not that ye be not gauged

    OK… that’s a start… over to you…

  5. Rename the job function of Bishop as, Regional Commissioner. Problem solved forever. It’s now an equal opportunity profession open to all and protected by Employment Legislation and Health and Safety regulations that will ban the carrying of unbalanced decorated poles, dresses so long they endanger walking and the swinging of noxious carcinogenic smoke among populated rooms. Simple business solution.

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