King Henry at today’s launch of Fresh Expressions

King Henry VIII today launched an initiative to revitalise the Holy, Catholick and Apostolick Church in England. Entitled Fresh Expressions, it is the Defender of the Faith’s hope that this initiative will introduce innovations into worship in the churches of England to better meet the needs of his modern subjects.

Examples of these innovations include:

• Messy Divorce Church – the use of theological sleight of hand and beheading as a means of ending marriages
• Labyrinth – creating a new and convoluted system for discerning vocations to the priesthood (to replace the tried-and-tested ‘ordain the youngest son of the landed gentry’ method)
• Executions for Treason – great for drawing the whole community together in fellowship and fear
• Cathay Style – a form of worship which involves independence from the Pope and consequent freedom to invade and conquer lands far, far away for oneself
• Royal Weddings – increasing the average number of royal marriages per monarch as these events are hugely popular and therefore great for mission
• Invading France and/or Scotland – another crowd-pleaser but likely to be used less frequently as the cost of putting on these big outdoor festivals is seldom covered by what is received when the plate is passed round

Not everyone was happy about this initiative, however. His Holiness Pope Clement VII said, “It is typical of the Church in England to pander to modern thinking and popular culture in this manner. It’s political correctness gone mad. They’ll be wanting to appoint women Bishops next.”