The Vocations department of the Church of England has congratulated the United States of America for taking the bold step of appointing its first part-time President.
“Here in the Church of England we have for many years had part-time clergy, which we now refer to as Self-Supporting Ministers,” explains Canon Dirk Otterly, Tweaker of Vocations Spreadsheets at Church House. “We find that they bring a wealth of experience from a variety of fields, though few have Mr. Trump’s rather unique track record and even fewer are prepared to attack and mock specific minority groups within their parishes to firm up their PCC’s support. The United States is to be commended for this bold step of letting someone so emotionally fragile take on such a role. Their idea of letting him carry on working for himself pretty much as he did before and limiting his duties to just Presiding now and again when he’s not busy is similar to how many of our own part-time clergy are used.”
Mr Trump tweeted “I thank the Church of England bigly for pioneering part-time Presidency. Smart.”
The Church of England prays daily that God would give wisdom to all in authority. No exceptions.
The General Synod of the Church of England has decided to invest its clergy pension fund in an unorthodox manner. Senior Church Commissioner, Dame Nina Tendo explains, “We have arranged to set up a ring-fenced fund which invests solely in a free-to-play, augmented reality mobile game, in return for the placing of prime gameplay characters in Anglican real-estate on a one-day-in-seven basis.”
But not all members of the Synod backed the scheme. Reverend Tiffany Facebook-Friend was aghast, “So… we’re basically bribing Niantic Inc to put rare Pokémon ポケモン in churches on Sunday mornings as part of the UK roll-out of Pokémon Go! simply to get people into Sunday services? That can’t be an appropriate mission strategy, surely?”
However, congregationalist reformers within the church, such as Pastor Paul Renewal praised the scheme, pointing out that, “‘Gotta catch ’em all’ is the kind of vision the church should be embracing. OK, it does make us look like we’re obsessed with getting folk through the door and having a fun experience rather than wanting them to actually turn to Christ, but attendance figures are where it’s at. That’s the game the media play, so… what can ya do? We can try to reinvent Jesus as a Trainer I guess… and an electoral roll is kinda like a Poké Ball モンスターボール if you squint at it a bit.”
Pikachu ピカチュウ was unavailable for comment but is believed to be a highly-evolved Methodist church mouse who will become an Anglo-Catholic on exposure to a Thunder Stone. Or incense crystals.
In the wake of a series of high-profile resignations in the UK, Jesus Christ has failed to step down as Head of the Church of England. Pressure had been mounting on the Son of God to “do the decent thing” and “get on with his [eternal] life” following aggressive reports about the failure of the Church of England to gain support in opinion polls.
After a week or so of steppings-down, including the UK’s Prime Minister and Renowned Cockwomble David Cameron, UKIP Leader Nigel Farage, Top Gear Shoutmeister Chris Evans, England Kick-a-ball Supremo Roy Hodgson and Brexit Lie-meister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, the Church of England might have seemed an unlikely target for a fresh expression of national exasperation with leadership.
But while grassroots members of the Church of England were still overwhelmingly supportive of JC’s headship of the Church Universal, rumours have been circulating that a splinter group of General Synod members were blaming JC for a lack of leadership, being insufficiently able to engage with the right wing media, not being willing to share a platform with the powers and dominions of this present darkness, and having a beard.
Despite the muttering campaign, however, while politicians come and go, JC remains in place, not only as head of the Church, but also its cornerstone.
A report has been published about evangelism that will be discussed by the General Synod of the Church of England shortly called ‘Talking Jesus‘. It has resulted in a number of surprising headlines including:
‘We need to talk about Jesus’ – cue cringing embarrassment – Andrew Brown in the Guardian
For a summary of the findings of the report, watch the first 30 seconds of this: