Cox’s Large Hadron Cloister may cause a black hole into which the Church of England may disappear without trace.
An unlikely solution to the stand0ff over women bishops emerged yesterday following the unexpected intervention of Professor Brian Cox.
The particle physicist, despite being an ardent atheist, agreed to come to the Church of England’s aid for the sake of science. Following his work at CERN, Cox has now developed a Large Hadron Cloister at a secret Cathedral location in the UK (pictured). Whereas CERN’s celebrated Large Hadron Collider was devised to explore miniscule particles of energy such as the Higgs Boson and Shatner’s Bassoon, Cox’s new apparatus is designed to solve the General Synod’s knotty problem of female episcopal oversight by creating Schrödinger’s Bishop.
“It’s amazing nobody has thought of this before,” explained Professor Cox, “but by devising an experiment in which a female priest is placed with a mitre, an Archbishop and a crozier in a sealed box then bombarding her with subatomic particles, using the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, we could create a female priest who is, simultaneously, a bishop and not a bishop. Just as Schrödinger’s cat was both dead and alive until the box was opened, the priest is both a bishop and not a bishop until the box is opened.”
However, opponents of women bishops and human rights organisations have rejected Cox’s plan. The former claimed that even a Schrödinger’s bishop would be unacceptable to them as the Archbishop concerned would be tainted by his possible consecration of a woman. The latter were more concerned by the lack of airholes in the box.
Emma W
/ 13/12/2012Not so secret – the Cloisters at Norwich Cathedral
unshaunsheep
/ 13/12/2012Correct! You have won a Schrödinger’s sticky bun. Obviously I can’t actually give this to you as it only exists theoretically.
annebrooke
/ 13/12/2012The perfect solution!
unshaunsheep
/ 14/12/2012Glad to see a good Guildford showing among the commenters here – I’m a BMus (Hons) Guildford myself…
MadPriest
/ 14/12/2012This is going to save the Church of England lots of money. As Schrödinger’s bishop will be able to exist at two, geographically distant, confirmation services at the same time, or be at the mayor’s reception whilst simultaneously standing in the House of Lords’ cocktail lounge sipping Margaritas, they will be no further need for all those suffragan and assistant bishops. We’re going to be quids in.
MadPriest
/ 14/12/2012What is more, if we can create a Schrödinger’s archbishop he could travel the world telling other provinces to behave themselves whilst, at the same time, remain in England doing the job we pay him to do.
annebrooke
/ 14/12/2012Excellent ideas here! And perhaps, if the experiment is perfected, we could have an Archbishop that is both male and female at the same time. That would solve it …
MadPriest
/ 14/12/2012I know some priests who would fit the bill nicely, Anne, with no need for quantum mechanics.
annebrooke
/ 14/12/2012Even more perfect – bring it on!
Cellariarus
/ 15/12/2012but beware of quantum entanglement!
Cate Pemble (@stillnotallhere)
/ 18/12/2012Quantum Entanglement makes me issue the warning; Beware the ‘wibbley wobbley timey wimey stuff’. We may think it solves our problems now, but in 100 years its a Doctor Who episode waiting to happen.
tommcc
/ 20/12/2012Octopriest – great stuff, just don’t open the box.